Let’s All Laugh at This Dumb Hockey Fan

Look at this fuckin guy.

David Haugh wrote a thing for the Chicago Tribune about a guy who is boycotting the Blackhawks this year because of the lockout. Spoiler alert: the dude doesn’t seem like the sensible type who you can appeal to using reason.

I don’t have the time or energy to dissect the whole thing, but let’s FJM the highlights. Original article in bold, my comments in normal font.

Strange but true, fan personally blacks out Hawks

Strange but true seems odd here. Its just one dude who decided to be stubborn. CRAAAAAZY!

During the second period of the Blackhawks’ 3-2 victory Wednesday night over the Avalanche at the United Center, my phone buzzed.

“Hawks on their way to 24 straight unbeaten?” the text from fan Steven Schucker read.

“I REFUSE to watch the Hawks! but please dear god tell me about them.”

Schucker wasn’t the only person in Chicago who didn’t know the score of the Blackhawks game. But he might have been the only person in Chicago who intentionally didn’t know the score of the Blackhawks game.

David Haugh must not have a Facebook because about half my news feed after a game is full of people complaining about other people posting about the Hawks.

He didn’t give up hockey for Lent. He gave it up for 2013.

“I picked the wrong year not to watch the Hawks,” Schucker acknowledged Thursday.

Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

A 27-year-old graduate of Columbia College, Schucker had my number because I reached out to discuss him carrying out his decision to actively avoid all things Hawks in protest of the NHL lockout he blamed on Commissioner Gary Bettman. It was during the league’s 119-day work stoppage when Schucker vowed to pay no attention to the Hawks if the season was saved. That meant no viewing or attending games.

Somehow through an NHL-record start of 24 straight games without a loss in regulation for the 21-0-3 Blackhawks, Schucker has honored that vow in a city obsessed again with Indianhead sweaters. He misses Pat Foley’s voice and Joel Quenneville’s steely glare. Hawks games have been replaced on Schucker’s television by reruns of “House” or “Monk.”

This guy could watch any tv show he wants in this free time and he chooses Monk? Maybe he deserves to suffer. Somebody get this guy a fuckin Netflix account or some Mad Men seasons.

And he can thank Bettman for expanding his knowledge of NBA rosters and Craig Sager’s suits.

“You have an NHL commissioner who doesn’t care about his sport and it got to the point it just turned me off hockey,” Schucker said Thursday. “I can’t support watching a sport run by someone like that. I love the Hawks. My issue is with the principle of what’s going on with the sport. It would be easy for me to drop my gloves and say, ‘OK, I’ll go back and watch.’ But I’m a man who believes in standing by my principle, tough as it is to do this year.”

Yep nothing says standing by your principals by ditching the sport run by a corrupt, incompetent, smarmy, asshole¬†commissioner¬†for the one run by the other corrupt, incompetent, smarmy, asshole¬†commissioner. That’d be like the United States saying “we won’t give money to Kim Jong Un because he’s such a bad guy. Instead we’re giving that money to Al Qaeda.”

Schucker and his best friend, Alex Weldon, recently went to The Rail Bar & Grill to catch the Bulls on a large-screen TV. The Hawks played the same night so, during a commercial, somebody turned the channel to temptation.

“Steven looked up to see hockey and you could tell he was struggling to avert his eyes,” said Weldon, a counselor at Senn High School. “It’s hard because he wants to take part in how much fun this Hawks season is. It has been hard for him to hold back.”

This guy is the world’s worst best friend. Friends don’t let friends make shitty decisions like this.

It has been even harder for his buddies to resist razzing Schucker for choosing the best Blackhawks start ever to ignore.

Don’t resist. This guy deserves all the shit that could possibly be heaped his way. Bury him in insults.

Like, is the Hawks’ start diminished because the compressed schedule reduced training camp and eliminated Eastern Conference opponents?

No.

“I hate to say it, but yes,” Schucker said.

Moron.

“The competition is altered by the fact a lot of these guys weren’t in shape and not where they would be normally.”

Yeah its totally unfair that guys on other teams didn’t stay in shape during the offseason and the Hawks did. And then they continued to be not in shape halfway through the season. You know, maybe its a good thing this guy doesn’t watch hockey anymore.

“I respect and understand the logic of criticizing me and why people say, ‘You’re not a fan if you’re not watching the Hawks,”’ Schucker said.

I’m not saying this guy isn’t a fan. I’m saying he’s really dumb.

“I’m not one who likes to be considered fair-weather. If I’m committed to something, I’m committed. When I say I’m going to do something, I do it. This is one of those things.”

“Except for when I text a reporter to find out the score. But yeah totally committed to not watching. Never ever. When do the Hawks play next please tell me pleaseeeeeee.”

Friends say this fits the independent-minded personality of a guy who responded to the 2011 NBA lockout by boycotting televised pro basketball except Bulls games.

The NBA missed him dearly.

He once went to high school with half his face unshaven for effect. After six years with a flip-phone, he only recently upgraded to a smart-phone. A conformist, he isn’t.

This article should have began “Meriam Webster’s Dictionary defines a hipster as…”

“He’s unique and once he has his mind set on something, he commits,” Weldon said.

Yes, what a unique fucking snowflake he is.

A long postseason will test Schucker’s commitment to put the Blackhawks on ice.

“I feel like he can make it through the season,” Weldon said, chuckling. “But I’m skeptical about the playoffs.”

Or, you know, you can just go back to watching. Nobody is forcing you to have this little temper tantrum over the lockout. It happens. Sports is a business. Grow the fuck up. Steven Shucker is a whiny child holding his breath until he passes out.

11 thoughts on “Let’s All Laugh at This Dumb Hockey Fan

  1. Your blog sucks.

    But then again, it’s got a long and storied history of sucking, dating all the way back to its foundation in January of this last year. You should keep making 10 year old South Park references and puffing out your chests. It almost makes up for your complete lack of content and writing ability.

    I’m sure you’ll get your dad to beat me up or act like you’re 10 feet tall. After all, this is the internet and you guys are even too cool for an “About Us” section. You sure are certified bad asses.

    I’ll go ahead and fuck off before you tell me to. It’s about the extent of a reply I’d expect.

  2. Pingback: My Favorite Comment Ever | Dry Island Castaways

  3. “Friends say this fits the independent-minded personality of a guy who responded to the 2011 NBA lockout by boycotting televised pro basketball except Bulls games.”

    Uh, why did he do it in reverse here? If you’re going to use this logic more than once, why switch it up? I also feel like if you’re even a fair-weather fan or just kind of a fan of a sport, you would pick the one team you like and watch only their games. Maybe I don’t understand sports enough… But if I were to choose a sport to watch and I liked one particular team, I would probably only (or mainly) watch games when they are playing. Doesn’t seem so “independent-minded” to me..

  4. You are a bit of a dick. You make fun of a guy who is tired of supporting a team and a league that doesn’t care about their fans. At least he’s not a moron who gets kicked around and treated like a piece of shit and then says “please sir may I have another”. Did you think that anyone would agree with your pathetic point of view. Be sure to go out and buy your team logo wear and scream at your TV until the next time the overpaid jocks and fat cat owners decide to fuck you over again, and then crawl back whenever they are done with their own temper tantrums. ASSHOLE!!

    • But he is a moron who getting kicked around and treated like shit. He’s just throwing a tantrum and pretending he’s not. This is not the principled boycott he is making it out to be. He is not demanding Bettman resign or ticket prices come down or he is done with the game. He is not demanding change. He is just crying that the league treated him badly and hurt his feelings and he’s going to take a break, but he’ll be back next year to be treated treated like shit again. In the meantime he is running into the arms of the last league that did this to him. It makes him come off like a whinny little bitch.

  5. 1…. House and Monk are great shows. 2…. Steven SCHUCKER (check your spelling) may be stubborn, but I can guaran-fucking-tee you he is anything but a hipster. Independent-minded really does suit his character if you actually knew him.

    • I wouldn’t call him a hipster. Look at his picture. No way he can fit in a pair of skinny jeans.

  6. I’d rather be the kid holding my breath than the spineless drone bending over to spread my cheeks for Gary Bettman’s entry…………….that would be you. By the way, your grammar needs serious work.

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