The Blackhawks Are Terrible

Pictured: This is one reason why the Blackhawks are the worst.

Pictured: This is one reason why the Blackhawks are the worst.

Goddamn, the Blackhawks suck you guys. Losers of two in a row (to the Avalanche & Oilers of all the shitty teams to lose to), and just in general, are sitting atop the NHL by a paltry four points ahead of the Anaheim Ducks. THE DUCKS. The same jokers that just signed Ryan “Rogaine” Getzlaf for 8 years and $8.25M per year. Again, barely ahead of THE DUCKS. LOL, what a bunch of plugs.

So, what’s causing them to be so, so, so terrible?

First of, that awful fucking picture above. I mean, look at Patrick Kane. He’s fixing his clip-on tie while asking the hostess if she comes here often. Then there’s Patrick Sharp. He looks like he’s about to ask your mom if you can come over for a sleepover. Sharp: *looking down at shoes, bashfully grinding toe into the floor* Misses [your last name here], can Joey come to my house for a sleepover? My mom said it was okay, and I promise we’ll get to bed right at 8 like you like Joey to do! Pleeeeeeeeeeeze!?” Then finally, there’s Captain Creep, Jonathan Toews. Look at that raised eyebrow. It’s like he just asked you to come to his Key Party tomorrow night and you asked what a key party was, causing the raised and furrowed brow.

Second, their goalies are terrible. Throw out the first 24 games of the season and take a look at these numbers: Crawford: 5.33 GAA and .771 SV%. Emery: 8.00 GAA and .809 SV%. I mean, those are Yann Denis type numbers. Gross.

Third, their penalty kill sucks total balls. Again, throw out the first 24 games of the season, and they’ve allowed a powerplay goal five out of eight times. Just abysmal.

Finally, Patrick Sharp has been invisible. I mean, c’mon, where is he? I don’t think I’ve heard is name called once during this Fresh & Honest losing streak.

Clearly, the Blackhawks’ luck for winning 24 games they didn’t deserve has run out. It’ll be fun to watch them lose 24 in a row (maybe get lucky and get a few “ties” too) and miss the playoffs. Maybe they can trade Kane & Sharp for Ryan Miller & Steve Ott. That’ll fix everything.

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