Giant Douche vs Turd Sandwich: What to do with the Phoenix Coyotes

Pictured: Andrew & Kelly. I don't know which is which either.

Pictured: Andrew & Kelly. I don’t know which is which either.

So, now with the totally unexpected news that Owner III still doesn’t have the money to buy the Coyotes, what will be done with the Coyotes?

To answer this question, we will use a new format for Andrew & I to debate the hot topics in the hockey world: Giant Douche vs Turd Sandwich. A point/counterpoint post.

Kelly: So, what to be done with the Coyotes? Besides jettisoning known turd burglar Raffi Torres into a solar orbit, of course. My first guess, sell them. To someone that doesn’t want to keep them in Arizona, because fuck those guys. Jim Balsillie was ready to pull a dump truck of money into Arizona, but the NHL and Glendale fucked that up. So where to? Quebec City? Seattle? Hamilton? Toronto 2? Kansas City? I choose Anchorage. Andrew?

Andrew: Let me first say that there is no doubt in my mind that you are the Giant Douche and I am the Turd Sandwich.  I don’t see any way they get sold to someone in Arizona now. Glendale’s new city council said they’re not giving out such a sweet deal, so if investors didn’t want it when they were getting $15 million in free money per year, they definitely won’t want to touch it now.  I’m rooting for either Seattle or Kansas City here.  I haven’t figured out which I’d prefer, but I love both of those cities.

Kelly: Hmmm, I suppose it’s fair that I’m the douche and you’re the turd. I vote for KC then, mainly because anything to help distract any attention from the St. Louis Blues is a-ok in my book. The next question becomes, what to name the team? Wait. I’ve got the perfect name! The Pelicans! Oh wait. That’s already taken. And monumentally stupid too. Maybe the KC Masterpieces?

Andrew: Hold the fuck on. You don’t like the Pelicans?

As you may recall, what is now the New Jersey Devils was once the Kansas City Scouts (by way of the Colorado Rockies). The Scouts is a terrible nickname, but maybe the same assholes who decided Winnipeg would be the Jets again will come out of the woodwork. KC’s MLS team recently changed their name to Sporting KC (booooooorrrrinnnggggggg) from the Kansas City Wizards.  When I worked at Toyota Park, I once worked a Wizards v Chicago Fire match and had the pleasure of scanning a ticket for a guy in full wizard robes and pointy wizard hat. KC’s hockey team HAS to be the Wizards in my mind.

Kelly: I can dig the Wizards. And I didn’t want to date you anyways. I don’t date Gingers. So, the Kansas City Wizards, we need a goal song now. Pinball Wizard? Somewhere over the Rainbow? We need a logo too. How about a picture of Gandalf? And they can play the clip from Fellowship of the Ring when he yells “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” and they can show Mike Smith standing near the trapezoid Thunderdome and Andrew Shaw. And obviously Oliver Eckman-Larsson is Frodo.

Andrew: Sounds like you’ve got KC all wrapped up. Let me make a pitch for Seattle real quick. Big market, great city, great support for their junior hockey and MLS teams, Vancouver rivalry, 8 Fortune 500 companies (Sponsorship $$$), lime green color scheme, new building with NBA team. Call em the Seattle Sasquatch and let’s do the damn thing.

Kelly: Well, we still need two expansion franchises after the KC Wizards, so why not? And if the jerseys for a Seattle franchies don’t instantly make me think of Shawn Kemp, I’ll be super sad.

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The Three Star’s of Yakupov’s Celebration

I really love Nail Yakupov right now. The kid is lighting it up for the Oilers at the moment and trolling every Good Canadian Boy™ in the process.  Its fantastic.

Last night Yak scored the OT winner against the Coyotes (who are possibly in the midst of the worst 48 hour period any NHL franchise has been through) and called his teammates over for the celebration.  The resulting photo was awesome.

THREE STARS

3rd Star: Nail Yakupov

Congrats on the GWG, N-Ya (pronounced: Enya). While I appreciate the troll job on the celly (CELLY CELLY CELLY CELLY), you look like a teenager who just crapped his pants at the prom. If you’re going to do this winning thing often, get some celebration reps in in practice.

2nd Star: Oilers Fan

You, sir, have earned this moment.  You endured a losing team for a long time and stuck with them through it all.  Now that the team has some great talent, you’re being rewarded for your faith.  I hope you shittalked every Coyotes fan on the way out, telling them about what a nice city Quebec City is.

1st Star: Yelling Girl

You’re a die-hard hockey fan, but your SO doesn’t seem all that into it. I know that feel. Its tough. You had to pay for his ticket on the glass, so in total you spent almost $40 for Coyotes tickets. Wowza! And the night of him complaining about being bored and you not paying attention to him paid off when Yak got his game winner right in front of you and you got to show everyone your anger (or exuberance, I can’t tell).

Honorable Mention: Decent Coyotes Fan

In the words of Jay-Z, “Real recognize real and you lookin familiar.”

Photoshop: Jeff Carter & Mike Richards Celebrate, Chicago Style

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Jeff Carter & Mike Richards know how to party, we know this. But this rare photograph was taken during the Kings dominant run to the Stanley Cup. How Carter & Richards 1) Got Malört in Los Angeles and 2) Got it so quickly after scoring a goal, we’ll never know. We’re just glad the DIC crew was there to capture this moment.

Kelly’s Hockey Hate List

Whatever, so I copied Andrew’s idea. Suck my balls. Here’s my list of most hated NHL teams in order from loathe to love, along with reasons why. I hate your face too.

  1. Detroit Red Wings – Hard not to hate a team that’s been so good for so long
  2. Vancouver Canucks – Only reason they didn’t get #1 is because it’s so fun to watch them fail, but here’s why. (Fun fact, that post appears as the #2 link on Google when you search for “petulant brat”)
  3. Phoenix Coyotes – So whiney and ACTING!
  4. Nashville Predators – Always obnoxious to play
  5. St. Louis Blues – Meatheads with BBQ stains on their shirts
  6. San Jose Sha-arks – The Cubs of the NHL “THIS IS OUR YEAR!”
  7. Buffalo Sabres – Patrik Kaleta
  8. Winnipeg Jets – Patronizing to the military
  9. Montreal Canadiens – NOBODY CARES THAT YOU SPEAK FRENCH, JUST HIRE A GOOD COACH
  10. Anaheim Ducks – Getzlaf is fugly
  11. Columbus Blue Jackets – Awful team, awful city, awful state
  12. Florida Panthers – Versteeg’s mustache
  13. Carolina Hurricanes – Two Staal’s, One Semin is a porn title, not a roadmap to a Cup
  14. NY Rangers – Lundqvist is so damn handsome
  15. Washington Capitals – ALEX OVECHKIN IS SO ENTERTAIzzzzzzzzzzzz
  16. Los Angeles Kings – Although two of their players are the namesake of this blog, I hate them for not wearing the purple and gold all the time
  17. Pittsburgh Penguins – PHILLY IS SOOOOO MEAN YOU GUYS GAWD
  18. Toronto Maple Leafs – If I wanted to constantly read/hear about failing to meet expectations, I’d be a marriage counselor
  19. NY Islanders – Because Brooklyn is SO much better than Long Island
  20. Dallas Stars – I kind of hate them because my Social Security taxes pay for some of their roster I guess
  21. Minnesota Wild – Hard to hate a team that I could barely remember to include on this list
  22. Colorado Avalanche – Ummmm, whatever
  23. Ottawa Senators – I think their own fans hate them more than I could
  24. Calgary Flames – Fun to laugh at, like hating a clown, can’t really happen
  25. Philadelphia Flyers – They troll so hard. I like it.
  26. Boston Bruins – See above
  27. Tampa Bay Lightning – Stamkos one-time bombs
  28. Edmonton Oilers – Make me not feel so bad about my rec league team’s defense
  29. New Jersey Devils – Marty Brodeur. Fatty. Greatest goalie ever.
  30. Chicago Blackhawks – Won’t even bother here

Andrew’s Hockey Hate List

I hate 95% of things in the world.  I don’t do it intentionally.  It just seems like every day I get asked if I like something like The Lumineers (the sucky band du jour) or Big Bang Theory/Two Broke Girls (the easiest way to set me off on a rage-y rampage).  In college my roommates came up with a rule that for every time I said I hated something I had to name two things that I like.  That rule lasted about 15 minutes.

Today some people on Twitter got to talkin about how many NHL teams they root for, thanks to the talk about another team possibly going to Toronto. Like most things, I hate a vast majority of NHL teams.  I really only like the Blackhawks (and for years I hated that I liked them so much) and then hate the other 29 teams with varying passions.  A few days ago a conversation I had sparked me to rank the order in which I hate every team in the NHL.  It took about 10 minutes to do.

So I present to you my Hockey Hate List.  I reserve the right to adjust this list at will based on moods, events, and pure fucking whims.  My guideline was if two teams played each other in a game I had no money or Blackhawks interest in, who would I prefer to see lose? The higher up on the list, the more I hate you.

Special Note: Some teams I hate pretty equally. For example, I had a really hard time figuring out how to choose between Detroit, Phoenix, and Vancouver.  A couple of these vary on a day to day basis.

Enjoy!

  1. St. Louis Blues
  2. Winnipeg Jets
  3. Detroit Red Wings
  4. Phoenix Coyotes
  5. Vancouver Canucks
  6. Nashville Predators
  7. Columbus Blue Jackets
  8. Buffalo Sabres
  9. Minnesota Wild
  10. Philadelphia Flyers
  11. Ottawa Senators
  12. Dallas Stars
  13. Calgary Flames
  14. Colorado Avalanche
  15. Carolina Hurricanes
  16. San Jose Sharks
  17. Pittsburgh Penguins
  18. Florida Panthers
  19. New York Islanders
  20. Montreal Canadiens
  21. Toronto Maple Leafs
  22. Washington Capitals
  23. New Jersey Devils
  24. Edmonton Oilers
  25. Anaheim Ducks
  26. New York Rangers
  27. Los Angeles Kings
  28. Boston Bruins
  29. Tampa Bay Lightning
  30. Chicago Blackhawks

Feel free to comment why I’m such a jerk and got this list so wrong. I look forward to hating you too.

Why Extrapolating Early Season Results Proves You’re a Moron

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Pictured: People who extrapolate early season results.

“The [Blackhawks, Sharks] are going to go 48-0-0 this year!” -Idiots

So, we’re 11 days into the 2013 NHL season, and already the meatheads and idiots are coming out of the woodwork. It’s a complete fucking pet peeve of mine (if you can’t tell already) when people non-jokingly extrapolate early season results. Team X will go undefeated! Player Y will score a bajillion goals! Goalie Z will only give up 24 goals this season! If you’ve ever uttered something along those lines because of the first half-dozen games of a season, you should be repeatedly assaulted by a rabid and horny wildebeest for the rest of your life.

There’s these things called “streaks.” Maybe you’ve heard of them? The Jets have lost 11 straight. The Blues have committed a felony in 7 straight games. Alex Ovechkin has offended Don Cherry in 451 straight games. That’s how these things work. Players and teams get off to hot or slow starts. Teams are adjusting to new coaches, systems, and teammates. Players are adjusting to new linemates or cities. I understand that in a condensed schedule like this, a half-dozen games are still critical, and a slow start for your favorite team or player is scary, but c’mon now. It’ll all come back to the mean. IT ALWAYS DOES (See Also: 2011-2012 Minnesota Wild).

So stop extrapolating. You’re not a statistician for doing that. You’re not enlightening anyone. You’re not “adding to the conversation.” Just stop it.

Enjoy Meeting a Couple of DIC’s

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Yes, you meathead, DIC = Dry Island Castaways, the name of this here blog. The DIC’s behind this new endeavor are none other than Andrew & Kelly, former editors for Blackhawks Down Low (hilariously, that link still works).

You might be asking yourself why we’d leave Blackhawks Down Low stagnant to start this new site. Because making fun of the Blackhawks is great and all, but we wanted to expand our horizons and make fun of EVERYONE. Also, because we wanted to post what we wanted, when we wanted, with whatever fucking language we wanted. We got sick of having to schedule posts. Bullshit previews that equate to “joke about opponent in headline – funny picture or photoshop of opponent – different joke about opponent – list top scorers and last result for opponent – list current erection causing Hawks and vomit inducing Hawks – LET’S GO HAWKS.” Wrap ups that take away our personal enjoyment from watching the games. Yeah, I said it. Fuck you, it’s all about us.

But most importantly, we wanted to be independent, do our own thing, on our own time, and it’s all about us. You’ll still get the same hilarious and trolly garbage, so don’t worry, there’s something in it for you too, dear Reader.

That said, we’ll be putting up all kind of nonsense, but it’ll be on our terms, so there may be times we don’t update for a week, and there will be times where we have multiple posts for days in a row. So deal with it. We love you all.

Sincerely,

A Couple of DIC’s

@KellyIsADIC & @AndrewIsADIC