Giant Douche vs Turd Sandwich: What to do with the Phoenix Coyotes

Pictured: Andrew & Kelly. I don't know which is which either.

Pictured: Andrew & Kelly. I don’t know which is which either.

So, now with the totally unexpected news that Owner III still doesn’t have the money to buy the Coyotes, what will be done with the Coyotes?

To answer this question, we will use a new format for Andrew & I to debate the hot topics in the hockey world: Giant Douche vs Turd Sandwich. A point/counterpoint post.

Kelly: So, what to be done with the Coyotes? Besides jettisoning known turd burglar Raffi Torres into a solar orbit, of course. My first guess, sell them. To someone that doesn’t want to keep them in Arizona, because fuck those guys. Jim Balsillie was ready to pull a dump truck of money into Arizona, but the NHL and Glendale fucked that up. So where to? Quebec City? Seattle? Hamilton? Toronto 2? Kansas City? I choose Anchorage. Andrew?

Andrew: Let me first say that there is no doubt in my mind that you are the Giant Douche and I am the Turd Sandwich.  I don’t see any way they get sold to someone in Arizona now. Glendale’s new city council said they’re not giving out such a sweet deal, so if investors didn’t want it when they were getting $15 million in free money per year, they definitely won’t want to touch it now.  I’m rooting for either Seattle or Kansas City here.  I haven’t figured out which I’d prefer, but I love both of those cities.

Kelly: Hmmm, I suppose it’s fair that I’m the douche and you’re the turd. I vote for KC then, mainly because anything to help distract any attention from the St. Louis Blues is a-ok in my book. The next question becomes, what to name the team? Wait. I’ve got the perfect name! The Pelicans! Oh wait. That’s already taken. And monumentally stupid too. Maybe the KC Masterpieces?

Andrew: Hold the fuck on. You don’t like the Pelicans?

As you may recall, what is now the New Jersey Devils was once the Kansas City Scouts (by way of the Colorado Rockies). The Scouts is a terrible nickname, but maybe the same assholes who decided Winnipeg would be the Jets again will come out of the woodwork. KC’s MLS team recently changed their name to Sporting KC (booooooorrrrinnnggggggg) from the Kansas City Wizards.  When I worked at Toyota Park, I once worked a Wizards v Chicago Fire match and had the pleasure of scanning a ticket for a guy in full wizard robes and pointy wizard hat. KC’s hockey team HAS to be the Wizards in my mind.

Kelly: I can dig the Wizards. And I didn’t want to date you anyways. I don’t date Gingers. So, the Kansas City Wizards, we need a goal song now. Pinball Wizard? Somewhere over the Rainbow? We need a logo too. How about a picture of Gandalf? And they can play the clip from Fellowship of the Ring when he yells “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” and they can show Mike Smith standing near the trapezoid Thunderdome and Andrew Shaw. And obviously Oliver Eckman-Larsson is Frodo.

Andrew: Sounds like you’ve got KC all wrapped up. Let me make a pitch for Seattle real quick. Big market, great city, great support for their junior hockey and MLS teams, Vancouver rivalry, 8 Fortune 500 companies (Sponsorship $$$), lime green color scheme, new building with NBA team. Call em the Seattle Sasquatch and let’s do the damn thing.

Kelly: Well, we still need two expansion franchises after the KC Wizards, so why not? And if the jerseys for a Seattle franchies don’t instantly make me think of Shawn Kemp, I’ll be super sad.


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