Media Failure: Questioning the Jonathan Toews Fight

Pictured: What you want your recently concussed captain NOT doing.

Friday night, when the Blackhawks continued their franchise-record (and sneaking up on the NHL record) streak of no regulation losses by dispatching the Sharks 4-1 with ease, Jonathan Toews initiated a fight with Joe Thornton. The reasons for Toews fighting has already been covered elsewhere, but I want to address the media in regards to this.

Just what the fuck are you doing? Here’s a fantastic chance for you to try to shine some light on concussion issues in the NHL with one of the League’s premier players. What do you do? Ask him about how he sparked the team. Ask him about how it helped fire up the crowd. All the other simple bullshit narratives instead of hard hitting questions.

How can you not ask Toews about his concussion history in this situation? Or question his decision making? I’m the absolute biggest Toews fan there is, ask anyone that knows me. But that was flat out DUMB. I’m not even talking from a hockey strategy perspective (it was dumb that way too, but I kinda get it), but just from a health and well-being standpoint. “Jonathan, why get into a fight with a much more experienced fighter when you have had concussion problems?”

You know what would happen then? Toews would do what EVERY hockey player would. I can almost script it. “You know, you don’t think about those things on the ice. The emotions and intensity and the drive to do what’s right for your teammates and your club take precedence. I thought it would motivate the team and help push us to a win. Maybe it wasn’t the best decision, but it worked out.”

Even at this point, I know the media would fail to follow up on that and instead continue to fellate Toews’ bravery and captain-ness. Why not follow that up with “Don’t you think your teammates would be better served with their captain on the ice instead of in the penalty box, and potentially on the LTIR or worse?”

But that would get my credentials taken away, wouldn’t it? Well, clearly team credentials > journalistic integrity. Got it.

Non-Hockey: “House Of” Power Rankings

But Andrew, this is a hockey blog. Shut up. This is MY hockey blog and I’ll write about what I please.

I started watching the new TV show House of Cards on Netflix this week.  In short, it is awesome. Kevin Spacey plays a US Rep from South Carolina who sounds like Lotso from Toy Story 3.  I highly suggest you watch it and then email me so we can talk about it.

Talking to my friend Dan about it last night got me thinking also about the terrible, awful, dreadful show House of Lies, which stars the wonderful, amazing, fantastic Kristen Bell and Don Cheadle, simply because they both have “House of” in the title.  I decided that I would rank everything that is “House Of”.

The “House Of” Power Rankings

  1. House of Cards
  2. House of Pancakes, International
  3. House of the Rising Sun
  4. House of Blues, Chicago
  5. House of Lies

It is known.

NHL Superstar’s Valentine’s Day Plans Revealed

Ahhhh, Valentine’s Day. The day when single people pretend they’re not suffering from crippling loneliness, when obnoxious in-love couples PDA up in your grill, when regular couples fight about having shitty plans (if they have any at all), when married couples continue to be miserable, and last but not least, when blogs use this made up Hallmark holiday to churn out themed posts.

And with that glorious intro, once again, the Dry Island Castaways sources have come through in spades. Our sources have infiltrated several NHL franchises in order to find out what your favorite NHL stars are doing for their loved ones / defensive partners this year during Valentine’s Day.

Tyler Seguin: Tyler plans on wooing his current fling by doing her laundry for her.

Ondrej Pavelec: Will continue his newfound yearly tradition of picking up single chicks using the pickup line “Hey baby, what if I told you I inexplicably make $3.9 million every year?”

Tim Thomas: The Islander’s goalie (I still LOL every time I say that) romantically lures his sweetheart into his panic room and then watches Moonshiners while snuggling.

Greg Zanon: Greg and the family of squirrels that live in his beard are planning on a relaxing night of whittling baskets at home.

Kris Versteeg: Steeger’s…interesting new look and his galpal will hire a film crew to re-enact scenes from their favorite 70’s cop dramas.

Columbus Blue Jackets: Oh wait, the title of this post mentions “NHL Superstars.” Nevermind.

Patrick Kane: Stopping at Walgreen’s to get cards for each of his…errrrm…”friends.”

Jarome Iginla: Iggy continues to beg his lady to go on a “trip” to another NHL city, just like the last three years.

Roberto Luongo: Lu and his bestie will continue to do what they do every day: Make up the goaltending tandem for the Vancouver Canucks.

The Sedin Brothers: Buy a six foot tall picture frame, then stand on opposite sides of the frame in the middle of Vancouver pretending it was a mirror.

Dave Bolland: Wakes up Valentine’s Day morning, and tells the love of his life “I’ve never had any woman make me so incredibly happy and fulfilled” while making this face. What? That’s his happy and in love face.

Erik Karlsson: Is going to show his girl how special she is by getting the closest handicapped parking spot at the fancy restaurant tonight.

Patrick Kane’s Switzerland Diary Uncovered

Although Andrew & I have just started here at DIC, we still have all our old connections from our time at BHDL. Thankfully, those sources have come up GOLDEN today. Somehow, someway, we have obtained Patrick Kane’s Girltech Password Journal Diary from his time in Switzerland. Surprisingly, he left it in O’Hare when he landed, so the hardest part was actually figuring out his password (“hairless bear”), which is seemingly a reference to him seeing Brandon Bollig without a beard. So, without further delay, I give you the best excerpts from Patrick Kane’s Switzerland Diary.

November 9th, 2012

Dear Diary,

I’m currently sitting in the international terminal in O’Hare with Mom. Not really sure how to feel about her coming with. I’m excited, because I didn’t want to have to try to do laundry myself. I hear it’s pretty tough. Plus, I can ask her to make my favorite meal every single night. That means blue box mac ‘n cheese with cut up hot dogs! Every night! Well, I better get going, we’re starting to board. I get to have a window seat!!!!

Kisses,

Patty

November 10th, 2012

Dear Diary,

The plane ride to Switzerland was fuuuuuuuuuun! We flew over the ocean, I had no idea it was so big! I just stared out the window watching the blue ocean fly by! I wish I could’ve had a window seat when I went with the Blackhawks to Finland in 2009, but that stupid Turd Ferguson Toews told me I couldn’t have the window seat. 😥 I said “but I’m the littlest and I score the most!” Turd Ferguson said “I’m the Captain. Sit down.” Jerk. :'((((( But the good news is that I’m here! I can’t wait to try some Swiss chocolate!

TTYL BFF,

Patty

November 22nd, 2012

Dear Diary,

I’m surprised, but Thanksgiving in Switzerland STINKS! Me and Mom went to a local restaurant and when we asked for turkey and gravy and stuffing and cranberry sauce and all the other stuff, these guys all looked at us like we were crazy! Mom was all like “Patty, they don’t celebrate Thanksgiving here.” I yelled at her. “How stupid are you, Mom!? Only COMMUNISTS don’t celebrate THANKSGIVING. GAWD!” She’s so old and dumb. So we went to McDonald’s instead. I ate TWENTY CHICKEN MCNUGGETS! WITH SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE! BESSSSSSSST!

So full!

Patty

December 1st, 2013

Dear Diary,

My mom setup a play date with TyTy! [Editor’s Note: TyTy is Tyler Seguin.] It was super fun. We stayed up late, had a pillow fight, talked about gurrrrrrrlz. We even told each other’s fortunes! TyTy is going to live in a big mansion, marry Brad Pitt, and have 20 babies! OMG LOL! I wasn’t so lucky. I’m going to live in a box under a viaduct, marry Tommy Lee Jones (ewwwwww! he’s soooooo ollllld!), and raise ferrets. :'(((((( I think TyTy rigged it.

Buh-byeeeeee,

Patty

December 8th, 2013

Dear Diary,

I’m soooooooo jealous!!! I wish I got to wear the Top Scorer jersey and helmet. Look at those sweet FLAMES[Editor’s Note: There is actually a large word art drawing of the word “FLAMES” here. We’ve emblazoned it in red to give a little nod to the original piece.] It’s like my race car bed back home. It is super cool and I totally miss it. It’s reeeeeed, and has the number 1 on it (cuz I’m da best! duh!), and LOTS of flaaaaaaames! Haha!

I miss your face!

Patty

January 4th, 2013

Dear Diary,

LOL @ these Swiss dudes. They stink! They are, dare I say, the suckiest bunch of sucks whoever sucked. I’m pretty much scoring at will. It’s almost too easy. And that stupid jerkface Toews was all like “D00d, you gotta be careful. You don’t wanna get injured! Just stay home. Work out with me and we’ll skate. It’ll be great!” Pfft. What does he know.

L8r gator!

Patty

January 5th, 2013

Dear Diary,

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW MOTHERFUCKER MY LIP HURTS.

MY MOTHERFUCKIN' MONEY MAKER -Kane

MY MOTHERFUCKIN’ MONEY MAKER -Kane

Deuces,

Patty

January 16th, 2013

Dear Diary,

I’m finally back in the States now. It’s good to be back home in Buffalo Madison Chicago! Captain Asshole laughed at my scar from my visor injury. And Sharp was all like “LULZ YOU GOTZ HERPEEEEEEES!” What a bunch of assholes. Maybe I should go back to Switzerland. Or better yet. Start drinking again. After all, Mom isn’t around anymore.

Fuck bitches, make money,

PK88