Bollig Home to the Blues!

We heard from a super reliable source, who heard from another reliable character type, who heard from Eklund himself, that Bollig is shipping home to St. Louis. We can only hope, right?



Fuck You, Sports Illustrated

Gorilla Salad saved hockey.

Who likes good news, everyone? Then good news, everyone! Hockey matters again!

You might have a few questions, such as:

  • When did hockey stop mattering?
  • What about all that hockey that I watched before? Did that not matter?
  • At what point during the Blackhawks streak did it start mattering again?
  • They still print magazines? On paper? And then they mail them? Do they use the Pony Express?

The answer is “Fuck you, hockey fan. Now buy Sports Illustrated.”

You see, as a hockey fan, you have been watching, analyzing, attending, and obsessing over games that don’t matter.  Nobody cares about your shitty little niche sport with your cute little fights and funny player names.  Hockey is nothing more than a side show in the great sports circus.

The only thing that could possibly make hockey relevant is when there’s some little streak of wins and ties that is totally not as good as whatever is happening in the NBA but its so cute that you’re trying so hard!

The Streak is the only thing that made hockey worth watching. Now that its over, I guess we have to go back to nobody watching again. It was fun while it lasted.

Fuck you, Sports Illustrated.

The Blackhawks Are Terrible

Pictured: This is one reason why the Blackhawks are the worst.

Pictured: This is one reason why the Blackhawks are the worst.

Goddamn, the Blackhawks suck you guys. Losers of two in a row (to the Avalanche & Oilers of all the shitty teams to lose to), and just in general, are sitting atop the NHL by a paltry four points ahead of the Anaheim Ducks. THE DUCKS. The same jokers that just signed Ryan “Rogaine” Getzlaf for 8 years and $8.25M per year. Again, barely ahead of THE DUCKS. LOL, what a bunch of plugs.

So, what’s causing them to be so, so, so terrible?

First of, that awful fucking picture above. I mean, look at Patrick Kane. He’s fixing his clip-on tie while asking the hostess if she comes here often. Then there’s Patrick Sharp. He looks like he’s about to ask your mom if you can come over for a sleepover. Sharp: *looking down at shoes, bashfully grinding toe into the floor* Misses [your last name here], can Joey come to my house for a sleepover? My mom said it was okay, and I promise we’ll get to bed right at 8 like you like Joey to do! Pleeeeeeeeeeeze!?” Then finally, there’s Captain Creep, Jonathan Toews. Look at that raised eyebrow. It’s like he just asked you to come to his Key Party tomorrow night and you asked what a key party was, causing the raised and furrowed brow.

Second, their goalies are terrible. Throw out the first 24 games of the season and take a look at these numbers: Crawford: 5.33 GAA and .771 SV%. Emery: 8.00 GAA and .809 SV%. I mean, those are Yann Denis type numbers. Gross.

Third, their penalty kill sucks total balls. Again, throw out the first 24 games of the season, and they’ve allowed a powerplay goal five out of eight times. Just abysmal.

Finally, Patrick Sharp has been invisible. I mean, c’mon, where is he? I don’t think I’ve heard is name called once during this Fresh & Honest losing streak.

Clearly, the Blackhawks’ luck for winning 24 games they didn’t deserve has run out. It’ll be fun to watch them lose 24 in a row (maybe get lucky and get a few “ties” too) and miss the playoffs. Maybe they can trade Kane & Sharp for Ryan Miller & Steve Ott. That’ll fix everything.

Looks Like That Clown at the Denver Post is at it Again

Pictured: The XXXtreme 90’s logo that the Clown from the Denver Post stood on.

Noted Fresh & Honest Denver Post “Journalist” Mark Kiszla is at it again, folks.

Few things here.

1: Good for you Greg Zanon, ye wearer of the most majestic of beards. While I think that the whole “DON’T STAND ON THE LOGO, BRAH” thing is dumb unless you’re a storied franchise (honestly, the Avs are a grey-area team for this in my opinion, but I digress), if that’s your locker room rule, and the journos know it, call that shit out. That’s just being Fresh & Honest if you ask me.

2: Fresh & Honest logic equations: Breaking team rules + getting called out about it = person calling you out is classless. Makes sense. If you’re a buffoon.

3: This is two weeks in a row Mark has made a Fresh & Honest jackass of himself. What will he do for week #3? I have a few ideas:

  • Kick a puppy
  • Make fun of cancer victims
  • Call Blackhawks’ losing streak “monumental”, “historic”, and “totally not bogus, dudes.”
  • Call current league-longest winning streak of the Columbus Blue Jackets (!!!) “truthier” than the Blackhawks bajillion game point streak.
  • Write a post about how Pat Burns should never be allowed in the Hockey Hall of Fame
  • Fart into a mason jar, ship it to your grandmother with a note telling her it’s the Scent of Jesus, including explicit instructions to open it and inhale as hard as she can. It has Healing Powers.
  • Continue to call himself Fresh & Honest despite his woeful attempts at being a troll

What do you guys think? How else can Mark make himself look like a Fresh & Honest doofus?

My Favorite Comment Ever

I got a fantastic comment today! It was on my little FJM of the dumbest hockey fan ever. My Favorite Comment comes from kaniac88 from Charlottesville, Virginia. Let’s take a look at it!

Your blog sucks.


But then again, it’s got a long and storied history of sucking, dating all the way back to its foundation in January of this last year.


It’s true! We’ve been sucking for almost two whole months now! But don’t forget how much we sucked all the way back in December 2009 at Blackhawks Down Low! We are pros at sucking!

You should keep making 10 year old South Park references and puffing out your chests.

You are in the right place! If you don’t want us to make shitty South Park references, you’re gonna have a bad time! Hail Satan!

It almost makes up for your complete lack of content and writing ability.

Slight tangent: the best grade I ever got on a writing assignment in school came with the comment “You best writing yet!” I got an A-. Please be sure to read the post where I ranked the shows House of Cards and House of Lies against the International House of Pancakes!

I’m sure you’ll get your dad to beat me up or act like you’re 10 feet tall.

My dad used to have a mustache but now he doesn’t so I don’t know if he is able to beat anyone up anymore.

After all, this is the internet and you guys are even too cool for an “About Us” section. You sure are certified bad asses.

I’m still a few credits short on my diploma for my Bad Ass degree, but let me tell you my ass is pretty bad.

I’ll go ahead and fuck off before you tell me to. It’s about the extent of a reply I’d expect.

Thank you, and please come again! I hope we exceeded your expectations with this response!

Denver Post “Journalist” has Grade 9,000 Case of Butthurt

Here’s the link, and I’ll just take some pieces of this “article” apart:

The most bogus “winning” streak in the history of American sports has rolled into Denver.

Yep, even if you take out the charity point, the Hawks have only won ELEVEN games in a row. Totally bogus.

And the Colorado Avalanche is just the team to put an end to it, by beating the Chicago Blackhawks.

I’m serious.

On both counts.

Just as serious as ROR is about playing in Colorado, right?

But let’s keep it real:The Miami Heat winning 16 straight NBA gamesis without doubt a greater achievement than the Blackhawks’ bogus streak.

Why? Well, for starters, the Heat’s streak isn’t the result of creative accounting. Miami plays, gets a W, moves on.

The Hawks lost two games in a row to Minnesota and Vancouver before the NHL season was two weeks old. But they got a point because the losses were in shootouts. What?

The 30 game streak is a “point” streak, not a win streak. Yet, as I stated earlier, ELEVEN wins in a row. And you better be careful about picking on the charity point. Those are probably your best bet to get in the playoffs there, bub.

The three-point game in the NHL is a joke. I wouldn’t mind if all games were worth three points. Three for a win in regulation. Two for a win in overtime. One for a loss in overtime.

But the way the NHL updates the standings is resume padding, plain and simple. The Blackhawks are the beneficiary.

While I agree with first sentence, the Blackhawks are hardly the beneficiary of the charity point. They’ve gotten three, count ’em, three charity points out of their…checks “padded” standings…45 points. Okay, we’ll take those three points away, and let you guys keep yours. We’re still…checks “non-padded” standings…22 points ahead of you. Also, we have more wins (21) than you have points (20).

But, please, let the Avs end this malarkey.

With Gabe Landeskog healthy, Ryan O’Reilly back in the foldand steady goaltending, the Avs have shown signs of life. Colorado outplayed Chicago in the Hawks’ barn for much of Wednesday evening,only to lose 3-2.

Yeah, and then this happened lol:

Pictured: Carcillo instilling some major butthurt in Colorado.

Somebody has to put this bogus streak to an end.

It might as well be the Avalanche.

It might has well be a drunken monkey too. But it probably won’t be.