How the FOX Glow Puck was Invented

The glow puck is weird. I always wondered how this idea came into being. Thankfully, your trustworthy DICs at…..DIC….found a long-lost transcript of how the Glow Puck came into our lives. Read on.

[interior, NHL Offices, New York City]

Gary Bettman, to FOX executives: Please gentleman, sit down.

FOX executive #1: Whoa man. Awesome office. It’s HUUUUUUUGE.

FOX executive #2: OH MY GOD A WINDOW. You know what I love? WATCHING. BIRDS. FLY. It’s pretty much the single coolest thing ever, ya know? Like. Watch their WINGS. How do they stay in the air? IT’S JUST AIR MAN.

Bettman: I know, I know. There will be plenty of time to discuss that later. For now, please take a seat and enjoy this party size bag of Doritos.

[FOX executive #3 slooooowly enters the room and looks around]

FOX executive #3: Is this room secure?

Bettman: Yes, please, sit down.

FOX1: You got any bread? I really want some bread. Like, just baked, still warm bread.

Bettman: No, please, can we focus?

FOX2: That’s a funny word. “Fo-cus.”

[Bettman raises an eyebrow….and pauses.]

Bettman: So, as you all know, we’re here to try to make hockey easier for the casual sports fan. I’ve been told you’re the brightest minds at FOX…

[FOX3 is crawling under Bettman’s desk]

Bettman: …er…can I help you?

FOX3: Just checking for bugs man. They’re always listening. [FOX3 winks]

Bettman: Yes…ok. So anyways, we’re trying to make hockey easier to follow on TV for casual fans. What are your ideas?

FOX2: What if we trained a BIRD to fly over the action with a camera? HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE!?

Bettman: I don’t think so. Plus, our players wouldn’t enjoy being pooped on by a bird.

FOX1: *snicker* You said pooped.

[Bettman begins rubbing his temples vigorously]

FOX3: I don’t know, I’ve never watched hockey. What’s it like?

Bettman: It’s a beautiful sport. It’s a combination of the strategy of soccer, the brute force of football, and the athletic beauty of figure skating.

FOX1: So it uses a ball?

Bettman: What? No.

FOX2: …one time I was at the beach, and I was watching this seagull. He had an entire sandwich in his mouth that he stole from…

FOX3: You said it was like soccer.

Bettman: It has strategy like soccer.

FOX2: …he was picking out the roast beef. I guess he didn’t like the turkey on it…

FOX1: Oh, so people want to fall down as much as possible? Sounds pretty easy, especially since you’re on ice.

Bettman: No, I mean…

FOX2: …he had mayonnaise EVERYWHERE. It was like a scene out of a home porno filmed in Sheboygan…

FOX3: Then what do they use?

Bettman: A puck. A small rubber disc.

FOX1: *snicker* Rubber.

Bettman: Uggggh.

FOX2: …then the conservation police came to stop us from trying to get the sandwich bag. The kid was crying, he was really hungry…

FOX3: Maybe show us a game?

Bettman: Good idea. [fires up some film]

FOX2: …the kid’s parent got all crazy saying stuff like “IT’S JUST A SANDWICH” and “I HAVE MORE BREAD, I’LL JUST MAKE HIM A NEW SANDWICH” but I wasn’t having it. That kid needed his sandwich…

FOX1: Wow, these guys are crazy fast.

Bettman: I know, right?

FOX2: …that’s when the REAL police showed up. I can’t believe they would let me continue to chase the seagull. I ALMOST HAD HIM…

[On the video you can hear Doc Emrick say something about a shot being a laser]

FOX3: THAT’S IT

Bettman: Huh?

FOX2: …I told them I WAS JUST TRYING TO HOLD HIM, HE WAS SCARED…

FOX3: THE PUCK SHOULD BE A LASER

FOX1: YESSSSSS

Bettman: What?

FOX2: …then the seagull stopped moving, I don’t know why, I was just holding him still and oh god WHAT HAVE I DONE *sobbing*

FOX3: PEW PEW PEW

[FOX1 jumps behind Bettman’s desk and pretends to take shelter from FOX3’s pretend laser fire]

FOX1 to Bettman: GET DOWN *grabs Bettman’s shirt and pulls him behind the desk*

FOX1: DO YOU WANT TO DIE, YOU IDIOT!?

FOX3: COME OUT YOU COWARDS!

[FOX2 lays down in the fetal position in a near catatonic state]

FOX3: PUT LASERS ON THE PUCK OR YOU’LL DIE

Bettman: OK! OK! ANYTHING! JUST STOP!

[FOX1 stands up calmly, straightens out his dress shirt, and looks at FOX3]

FOX1: Well, our work here is done.

[FOX1 and FOX3 begin to walk out]

[Bettman peers out over the top of his desk]

Bettman: *pointing to FOX2* Are you just going to leave him here?

FOX1: Oh yeah, he’ll be good in about 2 hours.

FOX3: You might want to leave a pack of Entenmenn’s donuts for him though…

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