The glow puck is weird. I always wondered how this idea came into being. Thankfully, your trustworthy DICs at…..DIC….found a long-lost transcript of how the Glow Puck came into our lives. Read on.
[interior, NHL Offices, New York City]
Gary Bettman, to FOX executives: Please gentleman, sit down.
FOX executive #1: Whoa man. Awesome office. It’s HUUUUUUUGE.
FOX executive #2: OH MY GOD A WINDOW. You know what I love? WATCHING. BIRDS. FLY. It’s pretty much the single coolest thing ever, ya know? Like. Watch their WINGS. How do they stay in the air? IT’S JUST AIR MAN.
Bettman: I know, I know. There will be plenty of time to discuss that later. For now, please take a seat and enjoy this party size bag of Doritos.
[FOX executive #3 slooooowly enters the room and looks around]
FOX executive #3: Is this room secure?
Bettman: Yes, please, sit down.
FOX1: You got any bread? I really want some bread. Like, just baked, still warm bread.
Bettman: No, please, can we focus?
FOX2: That’s a funny word. “Fo-cus.”
[Bettman raises an eyebrow….and pauses.]
Bettman: So, as you all know, we’re here to try to make hockey easier for the casual sports fan. I’ve been told you’re the brightest minds at FOX…
[FOX3 is crawling under Bettman’s desk]
Bettman: …er…can I help you?
FOX3: Just checking for bugs man. They’re always listening. [FOX3 winks]
Bettman: Yes…ok. So anyways, we’re trying to make hockey easier to follow on TV for casual fans. What are your ideas?
FOX2: What if we trained a BIRD to fly over the action with a camera? HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE!?
Bettman: I don’t think so. Plus, our players wouldn’t enjoy being pooped on by a bird.
FOX1: *snicker* You said pooped.
[Bettman begins rubbing his temples vigorously]
FOX3: I don’t know, I’ve never watched hockey. What’s it like?
Bettman: It’s a beautiful sport. It’s a combination of the strategy of soccer, the brute force of football, and the athletic beauty of figure skating.
FOX1: So it uses a ball?
Bettman: What? No.
FOX2: …one time I was at the beach, and I was watching this seagull. He had an entire sandwich in his mouth that he stole from…
FOX3: You said it was like soccer.
Bettman: It has strategy like soccer.
FOX2: …he was picking out the roast beef. I guess he didn’t like the turkey on it…
FOX1: Oh, so people want to fall down as much as possible? Sounds pretty easy, especially since you’re on ice.
Bettman: No, I mean…
FOX2: …he had mayonnaise EVERYWHERE. It was like a scene out of a home porno filmed in Sheboygan…
FOX3: Then what do they use?
Bettman: A puck. A small rubber disc.
FOX1: *snicker* Rubber.
Bettman: Uggggh.
FOX2: …then the conservation police came to stop us from trying to get the sandwich bag. The kid was crying, he was really hungry…
FOX3: Maybe show us a game?
Bettman: Good idea. [fires up some film]
FOX2: …the kid’s parent got all crazy saying stuff like “IT’S JUST A SANDWICH” and “I HAVE MORE BREAD, I’LL JUST MAKE HIM A NEW SANDWICH” but I wasn’t having it. That kid needed his sandwich…
FOX1: Wow, these guys are crazy fast.
Bettman: I know, right?
FOX2: …that’s when the REAL police showed up. I can’t believe they would let me continue to chase the seagull. I ALMOST HAD HIM…
[On the video you can hear Doc Emrick say something about a shot being a laser]
FOX3: THAT’S IT
Bettman: Huh?
FOX2: …I told them I WAS JUST TRYING TO HOLD HIM, HE WAS SCARED…
FOX3: THE PUCK SHOULD BE A LASER
FOX1: YESSSSSS
Bettman: What?
FOX2: …then the seagull stopped moving, I don’t know why, I was just holding him still and oh god WHAT HAVE I DONE *sobbing*
FOX3: PEW PEW PEW
[FOX1 jumps behind Bettman’s desk and pretends to take shelter from FOX3’s pretend laser fire]
FOX1 to Bettman: GET DOWN *grabs Bettman’s shirt and pulls him behind the desk*
FOX1: DO YOU WANT TO DIE, YOU IDIOT!?
FOX3: COME OUT YOU COWARDS!
[FOX2 lays down in the fetal position in a near catatonic state]
FOX3: PUT LASERS ON THE PUCK OR YOU’LL DIE
Bettman: OK! OK! ANYTHING! JUST STOP!
[FOX1 stands up calmly, straightens out his dress shirt, and looks at FOX3]
FOX1: Well, our work here is done.
[FOX1 and FOX3 begin to walk out]
[Bettman peers out over the top of his desk]
Bettman: *pointing to FOX2* Are you just going to leave him here?
FOX1: Oh yeah, he’ll be good in about 2 hours.
FOX3: You might want to leave a pack of Entenmenn’s donuts for him though…
