Denver Post “Journalist” has Grade 9,000 Case of Butthurt

Here’s the link, and I’ll just take some pieces of this “article” apart: http://www.denverpost.com/lunchspecial/ci_22747907/dear-avs-please-end-this-bogus-winning-streak

The most bogus “winning” streak in the history of American sports has rolled into Denver.

Yep, even if you take out the charity point, the Hawks have only won ELEVEN games in a row. Totally bogus.

And the Colorado Avalanche is just the team to put an end to it, by beating the Chicago Blackhawks.

I’m serious.

On both counts.

Just as serious as ROR is about playing in Colorado, right?

But let’s keep it real:The Miami Heat winning 16 straight NBA gamesis without doubt a greater achievement than the Blackhawks’ bogus streak.

Why? Well, for starters, the Heat’s streak isn’t the result of creative accounting. Miami plays, gets a W, moves on.

The Hawks lost two games in a row to Minnesota and Vancouver before the NHL season was two weeks old. But they got a point because the losses were in shootouts. What?

The 30 game streak is a “point” streak, not a win streak. Yet, as I stated earlier, ELEVEN wins in a row. And you better be careful about picking on the charity point. Those are probably your best bet to get in the playoffs there, bub.

The three-point game in the NHL is a joke. I wouldn’t mind if all games were worth three points. Three for a win in regulation. Two for a win in overtime. One for a loss in overtime.

But the way the NHL updates the standings is resume padding, plain and simple. The Blackhawks are the beneficiary.

While I agree with first sentence, the Blackhawks are hardly the beneficiary of the charity point. They’ve gotten three, count ’em, three charity points out of their…checks “padded” standings…45 points. Okay, we’ll take those three points away, and let you guys keep yours. We’re still…checks “non-padded” standings…22 points ahead of you. Also, we have more wins (21) than you have points (20).

But, please, let the Avs end this malarkey.

With Gabe Landeskog healthy, Ryan O’Reilly back in the foldand steady goaltending, the Avs have shown signs of life. Colorado outplayed Chicago in the Hawks’ barn for much of Wednesday evening,only to lose 3-2.

Yeah, and then this happened lol:

Pictured: Carcillo instilling some major butthurt in Colorado.

Somebody has to put this bogus streak to an end.

It might as well be the Avalanche.

It might has well be a drunken monkey too. But it probably won’t be.

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Face It: The NHL Gives Zero Fucks About Concussions

Pictured: The Typical NHL Player’s Brain

I’m done waiting for the NHL to care about concussions. It won’t happen. Ever. Unless possibly, someone dying on the ice in front of thousands of fans (or hundreds of thousands  of fans if nationally televised) live. Until then, don’t expect them to give any of the fucks.

Known scumbag nearly cripples a star player? It’s cool, only five games. (If you think I’m exaggerating about “nearly cripples,” take a gander at this video, he’s a paraplegic now and those “hits” look awwwwwwfully similar.)

Elbow an oncoming player in the face for no reason? No suspension or fines. No hearing even. Just a “lol totes cool” and off we go.

And even when they get it right, as in disciplining Raffi Torres for 25 games for turning himself into a human missile at Marian Hossa, the NHL REDUCES HIS SUSPENSION! Granted, it was from 25 to 21 games, so still very hefty, yet the point stands. Why should a repeat offender who consistently endagers the players around him be given any leeway at all?

And even beyond the ridiculously arbitrary suspensions (or more, lack thereof), the way the Quiet Room is handled is even more infuriating. The NHL instituted a policy that if an injury to the head occurs (or is expected to have occurred), that the player need to go to a room (The Quiet Room) for concussion testing/diagnosis for a minimum of 15 minutes.

Does this happen?

Fuck no, it doesn’t. At least not when it should. Heaven forbid one of your players be away from the game for 15 minutes. It’s not like you’re trying to protect them. Oh wait. You are.

Ya know what though? Even that’s to be expected. But here’s the kicker. What does the League do when there’s an obvious violation of the intended use of the Quiet Room?

…I’m waiting…

That’s right. Nothing. No fines. No sanctions of draft picks. No investigations. Nothing.

This isn’t a player going out to play on a bum ankle and maybe his ankles creak and hurt the rest of his life. This is a player going on the ice with BRAIN TRAUMA. And even better, you don’t even need a concussion to suffer from this type of damage.

Seriously, how much more research needs to be done before this is taken seriously? Actually, let me correct that. Seriously, how many more devastating injuries to athletes need to happen before this is taken seriously? Because sadly, the second question is the one that’ll get answered. It won’t be research that lights up the bulb over the NHL’s collective numbskull. It’ll be Crosby’s career ending. (Jeez, you think that guy of all people going down for over a year would’ve been enough.) It’ll be Toews being on the shelf for over a year. It’ll be a future Hall of Famer having their career cut short before fulfilling all their possible accomplishments. Oh wait, that already happened. (Yes, I realize Savard hasn’t officially retired yet, but that’s because he wants to get paid. Who can blame him? It’s not like he can make a living playing hockey anymore.)

We can even expand this out to fighting. Greg Wyshynski at Yahoo! Sports (are you really supposed to put that stupid ! in there when you write Yahoo?) nailed it perfectly today. The NHL is trying to find a way to keep fighting in the game, but to take out “silly” fights like staged fights. That’s stupid. Either you’re ok with people beating their brains in (quite literally) or you aren’t. Make the choice.

And don’t take this as me having all the answers, because I totally don’t. But SOMETHING needs to happen. Some effort needs to be made to hold teams accountable, to protect players, and to get rid of the scumbags in the game that just don’t learn (props to Matt Cooke for learning quick, got to respect that).

The culture around concussions needs to change too. For everyone that is pushing to get more research and more procedures around how to handle concussions, you get a million meathead fans calling players with concussions “pussies” or to just “shake it off.” Clearly, they’ve never had a concussion or had to take care of/worry about someone they love who is suffering from a concussion.

We also have all the teams (I’m looking at you, Chicago Blackhawks) who refuse to acknowledge when a player has a concussion. What possible advantage does saying someone has an upper-body injury give you over saying they have a concussion? And if your reason is because you’re worried about opponents taking advantage of that, then the respect levels in this sport are deeper in the shitter than I thought possible.

The NHL is fortunate that most players have been able to come back from concussions (Crosby, Toews, Landeskog, Horton, I won’t go on, it’ll take forever), but one day, a superstar won’t. Or maybe a kid with an incredibly bright future won’t. Or maybe it’ll just continue to be so-so defensemen (has anyone seen Kim Johnsson?) or 4th liners disappearing quietly into the night (and their blacked out bedrooms because they can’t handle sunlight anymore) and no one will really notice or care except those poor souls and their families.

I don’t know, maybe I’ve just got my shit all bent out of shape for nothing, but I truly think that concussions and treatment of concussions won’t be taken seriously until someone dies or a superstar’s career ends. I mean besides Marc Savard, and Eric Lindros, and Paul Kariya and…

Media Failure: Questioning the Jonathan Toews Fight

Pictured: What you want your recently concussed captain NOT doing.

Friday night, when the Blackhawks continued their franchise-record (and sneaking up on the NHL record) streak of no regulation losses by dispatching the Sharks 4-1 with ease, Jonathan Toews initiated a fight with Joe Thornton. The reasons for Toews fighting has already been covered elsewhere, but I want to address the media in regards to this.

Just what the fuck are you doing? Here’s a fantastic chance for you to try to shine some light on concussion issues in the NHL with one of the League’s premier players. What do you do? Ask him about how he sparked the team. Ask him about how it helped fire up the crowd. All the other simple bullshit narratives instead of hard hitting questions.

How can you not ask Toews about his concussion history in this situation? Or question his decision making? I’m the absolute biggest Toews fan there is, ask anyone that knows me. But that was flat out DUMB. I’m not even talking from a hockey strategy perspective (it was dumb that way too, but I kinda get it), but just from a health and well-being standpoint. “Jonathan, why get into a fight with a much more experienced fighter when you have had concussion problems?”

You know what would happen then? Toews would do what EVERY hockey player would. I can almost script it. “You know, you don’t think about those things on the ice. The emotions and intensity and the drive to do what’s right for your teammates and your club take precedence. I thought it would motivate the team and help push us to a win. Maybe it wasn’t the best decision, but it worked out.”

Even at this point, I know the media would fail to follow up on that and instead continue to fellate Toews’ bravery and captain-ness. Why not follow that up with “Don’t you think your teammates would be better served with their captain on the ice instead of in the penalty box, and potentially on the LTIR or worse?”

But that would get my credentials taken away, wouldn’t it? Well, clearly team credentials > journalistic integrity. Got it.

NHL Superstar’s Valentine’s Day Plans Revealed

Ahhhh, Valentine’s Day. The day when single people pretend they’re not suffering from crippling loneliness, when obnoxious in-love couples PDA up in your grill, when regular couples fight about having shitty plans (if they have any at all), when married couples continue to be miserable, and last but not least, when blogs use this made up Hallmark holiday to churn out themed posts.

And with that glorious intro, once again, the Dry Island Castaways sources have come through in spades. Our sources have infiltrated several NHL franchises in order to find out what your favorite NHL stars are doing for their loved ones / defensive partners this year during Valentine’s Day.

Tyler Seguin: Tyler plans on wooing his current fling by doing her laundry for her.

Ondrej Pavelec: Will continue his newfound yearly tradition of picking up single chicks using the pickup line “Hey baby, what if I told you I inexplicably make $3.9 million every year?”

Tim Thomas: The Islander’s goalie (I still LOL every time I say that) romantically lures his sweetheart into his panic room and then watches Moonshiners while snuggling.

Greg Zanon: Greg and the family of squirrels that live in his beard are planning on a relaxing night of whittling baskets at home.

Kris Versteeg: Steeger’s…interesting new look and his galpal will hire a film crew to re-enact scenes from their favorite 70’s cop dramas.

Columbus Blue Jackets: Oh wait, the title of this post mentions “NHL Superstars.” Nevermind.

Patrick Kane: Stopping at Walgreen’s to get cards for each of his…errrrm…”friends.”

Jarome Iginla: Iggy continues to beg his lady to go on a “trip” to another NHL city, just like the last three years.

Roberto Luongo: Lu and his bestie will continue to do what they do every day: Make up the goaltending tandem for the Vancouver Canucks.

The Sedin Brothers: Buy a six foot tall picture frame, then stand on opposite sides of the frame in the middle of Vancouver pretending it was a mirror.

Dave Bolland: Wakes up Valentine’s Day morning, and tells the love of his life “I’ve never had any woman make me so incredibly happy and fulfilled” while making this face. What? That’s his happy and in love face.

Erik Karlsson: Is going to show his girl how special she is by getting the closest handicapped parking spot at the fancy restaurant tonight.

Patrick Kane’s Switzerland Diary Uncovered

Although Andrew & I have just started here at DIC, we still have all our old connections from our time at BHDL. Thankfully, those sources have come up GOLDEN today. Somehow, someway, we have obtained Patrick Kane’s Girltech Password Journal Diary from his time in Switzerland. Surprisingly, he left it in O’Hare when he landed, so the hardest part was actually figuring out his password (“hairless bear”), which is seemingly a reference to him seeing Brandon Bollig without a beard. So, without further delay, I give you the best excerpts from Patrick Kane’s Switzerland Diary.

November 9th, 2012

Dear Diary,

I’m currently sitting in the international terminal in O’Hare with Mom. Not really sure how to feel about her coming with. I’m excited, because I didn’t want to have to try to do laundry myself. I hear it’s pretty tough. Plus, I can ask her to make my favorite meal every single night. That means blue box mac ‘n cheese with cut up hot dogs! Every night! Well, I better get going, we’re starting to board. I get to have a window seat!!!!

Kisses,

Patty

November 10th, 2012

Dear Diary,

The plane ride to Switzerland was fuuuuuuuuuun! We flew over the ocean, I had no idea it was so big! I just stared out the window watching the blue ocean fly by! I wish I could’ve had a window seat when I went with the Blackhawks to Finland in 2009, but that stupid Turd Ferguson Toews told me I couldn’t have the window seat. 😥 I said “but I’m the littlest and I score the most!” Turd Ferguson said “I’m the Captain. Sit down.” Jerk. :'((((( But the good news is that I’m here! I can’t wait to try some Swiss chocolate!

TTYL BFF,

Patty

November 22nd, 2012

Dear Diary,

I’m surprised, but Thanksgiving in Switzerland STINKS! Me and Mom went to a local restaurant and when we asked for turkey and gravy and stuffing and cranberry sauce and all the other stuff, these guys all looked at us like we were crazy! Mom was all like “Patty, they don’t celebrate Thanksgiving here.” I yelled at her. “How stupid are you, Mom!? Only COMMUNISTS don’t celebrate THANKSGIVING. GAWD!” She’s so old and dumb. So we went to McDonald’s instead. I ate TWENTY CHICKEN MCNUGGETS! WITH SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE! BESSSSSSSST!

So full!

Patty

December 1st, 2013

Dear Diary,

My mom setup a play date with TyTy! [Editor’s Note: TyTy is Tyler Seguin.] It was super fun. We stayed up late, had a pillow fight, talked about gurrrrrrrlz. We even told each other’s fortunes! TyTy is going to live in a big mansion, marry Brad Pitt, and have 20 babies! OMG LOL! I wasn’t so lucky. I’m going to live in a box under a viaduct, marry Tommy Lee Jones (ewwwwww! he’s soooooo ollllld!), and raise ferrets. :'(((((( I think TyTy rigged it.

Buh-byeeeeee,

Patty

December 8th, 2013

Dear Diary,

I’m soooooooo jealous!!! I wish I got to wear the Top Scorer jersey and helmet. Look at those sweet FLAMES[Editor’s Note: There is actually a large word art drawing of the word “FLAMES” here. We’ve emblazoned it in red to give a little nod to the original piece.] It’s like my race car bed back home. It is super cool and I totally miss it. It’s reeeeeed, and has the number 1 on it (cuz I’m da best! duh!), and LOTS of flaaaaaaames! Haha!

I miss your face!

Patty

January 4th, 2013

Dear Diary,

LOL @ these Swiss dudes. They stink! They are, dare I say, the suckiest bunch of sucks whoever sucked. I’m pretty much scoring at will. It’s almost too easy. And that stupid jerkface Toews was all like “D00d, you gotta be careful. You don’t wanna get injured! Just stay home. Work out with me and we’ll skate. It’ll be great!” Pfft. What does he know.

L8r gator!

Patty

January 5th, 2013

Dear Diary,

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW MOTHERFUCKER MY LIP HURTS.

MY MOTHERFUCKIN' MONEY MAKER -Kane

MY MOTHERFUCKIN’ MONEY MAKER -Kane

Deuces,

Patty

January 16th, 2013

Dear Diary,

I’m finally back in the States now. It’s good to be back home in Buffalo Madison Chicago! Captain Asshole laughed at my scar from my visor injury. And Sharp was all like “LULZ YOU GOTZ HERPEEEEEEES!” What a bunch of assholes. Maybe I should go back to Switzerland. Or better yet. Start drinking again. After all, Mom isn’t around anymore.

Fuck bitches, make money,

PK88

Giant Douche vs Turd Sandwich: What to do with the Phoenix Coyotes

Pictured: Andrew & Kelly. I don't know which is which either.

Pictured: Andrew & Kelly. I don’t know which is which either.

So, now with the totally unexpected news that Owner III still doesn’t have the money to buy the Coyotes, what will be done with the Coyotes?

To answer this question, we will use a new format for Andrew & I to debate the hot topics in the hockey world: Giant Douche vs Turd Sandwich. A point/counterpoint post.

Kelly: So, what to be done with the Coyotes? Besides jettisoning known turd burglar Raffi Torres into a solar orbit, of course. My first guess, sell them. To someone that doesn’t want to keep them in Arizona, because fuck those guys. Jim Balsillie was ready to pull a dump truck of money into Arizona, but the NHL and Glendale fucked that up. So where to? Quebec City? Seattle? Hamilton? Toronto 2? Kansas City? I choose Anchorage. Andrew?

Andrew: Let me first say that there is no doubt in my mind that you are the Giant Douche and I am the Turd Sandwich.  I don’t see any way they get sold to someone in Arizona now. Glendale’s new city council said they’re not giving out such a sweet deal, so if investors didn’t want it when they were getting $15 million in free money per year, they definitely won’t want to touch it now.  I’m rooting for either Seattle or Kansas City here.  I haven’t figured out which I’d prefer, but I love both of those cities.

Kelly: Hmmm, I suppose it’s fair that I’m the douche and you’re the turd. I vote for KC then, mainly because anything to help distract any attention from the St. Louis Blues is a-ok in my book. The next question becomes, what to name the team? Wait. I’ve got the perfect name! The Pelicans! Oh wait. That’s already taken. And monumentally stupid too. Maybe the KC Masterpieces?

Andrew: Hold the fuck on. You don’t like the Pelicans?

As you may recall, what is now the New Jersey Devils was once the Kansas City Scouts (by way of the Colorado Rockies). The Scouts is a terrible nickname, but maybe the same assholes who decided Winnipeg would be the Jets again will come out of the woodwork. KC’s MLS team recently changed their name to Sporting KC (booooooorrrrinnnggggggg) from the Kansas City Wizards.  When I worked at Toyota Park, I once worked a Wizards v Chicago Fire match and had the pleasure of scanning a ticket for a guy in full wizard robes and pointy wizard hat. KC’s hockey team HAS to be the Wizards in my mind.

Kelly: I can dig the Wizards. And I didn’t want to date you anyways. I don’t date Gingers. So, the Kansas City Wizards, we need a goal song now. Pinball Wizard? Somewhere over the Rainbow? We need a logo too. How about a picture of Gandalf? And they can play the clip from Fellowship of the Ring when he yells “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” and they can show Mike Smith standing near the trapezoid Thunderdome and Andrew Shaw. And obviously Oliver Eckman-Larsson is Frodo.

Andrew: Sounds like you’ve got KC all wrapped up. Let me make a pitch for Seattle real quick. Big market, great city, great support for their junior hockey and MLS teams, Vancouver rivalry, 8 Fortune 500 companies (Sponsorship $$$), lime green color scheme, new building with NBA team. Call em the Seattle Sasquatch and let’s do the damn thing.

Kelly: Well, we still need two expansion franchises after the KC Wizards, so why not? And if the jerseys for a Seattle franchies don’t instantly make me think of Shawn Kemp, I’ll be super sad.