Astrological Predictions for the NHL and its Stars

So, awhile back, our fearless leader Andrew received an email from “seerinteractive.com” (to his Blackhawks Down Low address, no less) with the following:

Hey Andrew, Happy Friday! This is probably the most unorthodox email you’ll get all day, but I hope you’re open to it. I’m working on a project that’s kind of random but I thought your readers might be interested in it. I do marketing for a company that works with professional astrologists and we thought it would be fun to do some professional zodiac readings for sports teams and players. Would you be interested in seeing how your coaches and players match up with each other? While you know your Blackhawks players in-depth, astrologists can supposedly predict future events, so it’d be cool to see who got it right. Plus, they could even analyze and predict the upcoming playoff picture! Let me know what you think. Either way keep up the great work with your site!

Oh, we’ll keep up the great work, don’t you worry. And we basically replied with a “FUCK YES WE ARE INTERESTED.” So, after waiting over a month for the results and damn near forgetting about it, here’s your astrological predictions and prognostications for the remainder of the NHL season (gramatical weirdness left in tact). And of course, I’ve interjected my own insightful commentary.

I love the internet.

With the NHL playoffs looming, teams from both the Eastern and Western conferences are jockeying to keep their top seed position, or to manage to eke their way into the hunt and clinch a playoffs spot.

While ace teamwork and a competitive spirit goes a long way towards claiming the Stanley Cup, certain intangible factors may surface as a “wild card” during the post-season, propelling some dark horses to the front of the race. One such intangible is astrology. Not only do the 12 archetypes of the zodiac play a role in determining how well teammates function together, but key astrological events can also factor in.

If astrological signs are “wild cards,” does that mean they’re basically the enigmatic Russians of the pseudo-science realm? Maybe?

Division Leaders

As it stands now, the Chicago Blackhawks are leading the Western Conference while the Pittsburgh Penguins are at the top of the Eastern heap. Back in the 2009 – 2010 finals, Patrick Kane, Chicago’s Right Wing scored the game winning goal of the finals and won his very first Stanley Cup. Kane appears to be destined for more greatness as this season’s race to the cup revs up. As a Scorpio, Kane may be affected by Saturn’s retrograde in his sign. Beginning in February and sinking its hooks in until July 8th, Saturn’s retrograde will spur Scorpio — and Kane — to consider his decisions carefully. This marks a period of vigilance that will push him to re-evaluate mistakes and ensure they don’t happen again.

So Kane will be in this monster mode until July 8th? Let’s start polishing up the Conn Smyth for him then.

As for the Pittsburgh Penguins, the team’s two Centermen, Evgeni Malkin and Sid “The Kid” Crosby are ruled by the sun sign of Leo, one of the zodiac’s most hard-charging, spotlight n’ success-driven signs. While Leo will not experiencing any major astrological events until June 27 when Venus enters the sign, it’s doubtful any shifts in the cosmos will shake Leo’s  has an indomitable drive to win.

1. People still call Crosby “Sid The Kid”? They don’t? Okay, good. 2. Pretty sure a puck to the mouth, lots of lost teeth, and a broken jaw might shake Crosby’s drive. 3. I’m assuming June 27th is when the Hawks will beat the Pens sending them to the golf course.

The Sun Sets In the West on the Kings

Elsewhere in the Western Conference, the L.A. Kings may likely see a downward slide in their playoffs trajectory. Center Jeff Carter is a Capricorn, a sign that is set for a big shift when Pluto goes into retrograde on April 12. Capricorn is a sign that thrives on stability. Pluto in retrograde will put Capricorn into a tailspin. Further complicating matters, Carter’s Center, Mike Richards has seen several shifts in a short span of time as Mercury, the sun, and Venus have all entered his sign of Aquarius in rapid succession. With so much cosmic fluctuation affecting these two, key players, the Kings may experience a dark reversal of fortune.

Well, so far the Kings have been great. They’re 5th in the West, 6-3-1 in the last ten games, own the third best goal differential in the West (behind Anaheim & Chicago) and have looked much better lately. Keep an eye on April 12th, since that’s apparently when Carter & Richards leave Dry Island this year.

Seeds of Discontent in the East

It’s not entirely over for Alex Ovechkin — a Virgo —  and his 11th seed Washington Capitals. Ovechkin hit a rough patch this season but appears to be back in fine form. However, this surge back may not be enough to catapult them to the top of the Eastern Conference. While Virgo has not experienced any major shifts throughout the duration of the 2012-2013 NHL season, external factors and astrological events impacting the league as a whole have just left Ovechkin and the Caps trailing in their quest for Stanley gold.

Stanley….gold? Mkay then.

Even further in the basement are the Philadelphia Flyers who have exhibited uneven performance on the ice this season. Most notably, goalie Ilya Bryzgalov has experienced highs and lows ranging from winning his 200th career game and incurring the wrath of George Lucas and Star Wars fans. Bryzgalov is set for even more ebbs and peaks when Mercury enters his sun sign of Cancer on May 31 before promptly going into retrograde in Cancer on June 25th. Bryzgalov has also acknowledged his team’s flaws and expressed displeasure with their performance, calling it “not good.” Perhaps realizes that the Solar System is “humongous big” and that the wheel of fate that hangs in the cosmos just means that, astrologically speaking, it’s just not his season — or the Flyers’, for that matter.

I don’t really think Bryz has had an “ebb and flow” type season. More of a “hey, my defense is absolutely terrible and my god do I miss Chris Pronger” type of season.

Teams To Watch… In the West

In terms of sheer ferocity and racking up some key wins — not to mention on the astrological front — the Vancouver Canucks are a team to watch. Twins Daniel and Henrik Sedin balance out both sides of the Libra scale, working well together as Left Wing and Centerman, respectively. The Swedish duo play an integral role in the team in terms of making plays and scoring goals. Noting that fleet-footed Mercury enters Aries on April 14th, the Sedins’ Aries teammates Alexandre Burrows (Left Wing) and goalie Roberto Luongo are set to experience an even greater drive to win than usual. As opposite signs on the wheel of the zodiac, Aries and Libra balance each other out quite effectively. As a result of Mercury in Leo and the Aries/Libra tandem at play, watch for the Canucks to come up big in the playoffs.

I like that they say the Sedins play making and scoring goals only after stating they “balance out both sides of the Libra scale.” I’m concerned that Burrows’ “greater drive to win” involves driving heads into boards. I also believe that “watch for the Canucks to come up big in the playoffs” translates roughly to “won’t need to capitalize on Chris Campoli to win a Game 7 over a beat-up and exhausted team that came back from being down three games to zero” but I could be totally wrong.

The Anaheim Ducks may be on-track for a spirited run in the playoffs due to rookie goalie Viktor Fasth being particularly on top of his game. As a Leo, Fasth is not set to undergo any cosmic shifts and will be all business throughout the playoffs. Whether the Ducks, as a team, can catch up in the division remains to be seen.

Not sure who the Ducks need to catch up to in the division as they’re 10 points ahead of Los Angeles, but whatever, the STARS SAY SO.

Teams To Watch… In the East

The Winnipeg Jets are poised for a potential comeback owing to a stellar balancing act by Leo Left Wing Evander Kane and Virgo Goalie Ondrej Pavelec. Neither sign is set to experience any major upheaval by way of an astrological event. As a cerebral Virgo, Ondrej Pavelec helps to round out the driven, sometimes flashy Kane and help him to refocus on the game and bringing the cup to Winnipeg. Considering the media circus and scrutiny Kane has been a part of this season, Pavelec’s stabilizing influence is key in keeping the Jets on-course.

First of all, the Jets lead the Southeast with 38 points. Not counting division leaders, that’s good for *looks at standings* 9th in the East. Let that simmer for awhile. Also, the fact that now I picture Evander Kane and Ondrej Pavelec as the Odd Couple balancing each other out is fantastic. Is it racist if I refer to them as Yin & Yang? No? Good.

If the Rangers can continue their trajectory, they just may give the Penguins a run for their money in the top slot. Rick Nash, the Rangers’ Right Wing is slated to receive a major boost in the thick of the playoffs when Mercury enters Gemini on May 15th and the Sun enters Gemini on May 20th. This will give Nash the surge he needs to rally his team to jockey for the coveted Eastern division title and a shot at the cup. His warrior spirit will be fully roused come May 31st when Mars, the warrior’s planet, enters Gemini on May 31. If Nash can muster the fortitude to keep pace with his shifting planetary influences, look for the Rangers to knock the Penguins out of the top slot.

Yes, the Rangers will certainly give the Penguins a “run for their money in the top slot” currently being in 9th place in the East. (Damn you Jets!) That said, I’m sure some of the ladies out there are excited for May 31st when Nash’s “warrior spirit will be fully aroused.”

This article was written by Hollywood Psychics. If you want predictions in your own life, get an authentic psychic reading from a psychic today!

You should totally do this. Wasn’t it fun? Give us your own translations of what the fuck this all meant in the comments. And may the stars guide you!

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The Blackhawks Are Terrible

Pictured: This is one reason why the Blackhawks are the worst.

Pictured: This is one reason why the Blackhawks are the worst.

Goddamn, the Blackhawks suck you guys. Losers of two in a row (to the Avalanche & Oilers of all the shitty teams to lose to), and just in general, are sitting atop the NHL by a paltry four points ahead of the Anaheim Ducks. THE DUCKS. The same jokers that just signed Ryan “Rogaine” Getzlaf for 8 years and $8.25M per year. Again, barely ahead of THE DUCKS. LOL, what a bunch of plugs.

So, what’s causing them to be so, so, so terrible?

First of, that awful fucking picture above. I mean, look at Patrick Kane. He’s fixing his clip-on tie while asking the hostess if she comes here often. Then there’s Patrick Sharp. He looks like he’s about to ask your mom if you can come over for a sleepover. Sharp: *looking down at shoes, bashfully grinding toe into the floor* Misses [your last name here], can Joey come to my house for a sleepover? My mom said it was okay, and I promise we’ll get to bed right at 8 like you like Joey to do! Pleeeeeeeeeeeze!?” Then finally, there’s Captain Creep, Jonathan Toews. Look at that raised eyebrow. It’s like he just asked you to come to his Key Party tomorrow night and you asked what a key party was, causing the raised and furrowed brow.

Second, their goalies are terrible. Throw out the first 24 games of the season and take a look at these numbers: Crawford: 5.33 GAA and .771 SV%. Emery: 8.00 GAA and .809 SV%. I mean, those are Yann Denis type numbers. Gross.

Third, their penalty kill sucks total balls. Again, throw out the first 24 games of the season, and they’ve allowed a powerplay goal five out of eight times. Just abysmal.

Finally, Patrick Sharp has been invisible. I mean, c’mon, where is he? I don’t think I’ve heard is name called once during this Fresh & Honest losing streak.

Clearly, the Blackhawks’ luck for winning 24 games they didn’t deserve has run out. It’ll be fun to watch them lose 24 in a row (maybe get lucky and get a few “ties” too) and miss the playoffs. Maybe they can trade Kane & Sharp for Ryan Miller & Steve Ott. That’ll fix everything.

Denver Post “Journalist” has Grade 9,000 Case of Butthurt

Here’s the link, and I’ll just take some pieces of this “article” apart: http://www.denverpost.com/lunchspecial/ci_22747907/dear-avs-please-end-this-bogus-winning-streak

The most bogus “winning” streak in the history of American sports has rolled into Denver.

Yep, even if you take out the charity point, the Hawks have only won ELEVEN games in a row. Totally bogus.

And the Colorado Avalanche is just the team to put an end to it, by beating the Chicago Blackhawks.

I’m serious.

On both counts.

Just as serious as ROR is about playing in Colorado, right?

But let’s keep it real:The Miami Heat winning 16 straight NBA gamesis without doubt a greater achievement than the Blackhawks’ bogus streak.

Why? Well, for starters, the Heat’s streak isn’t the result of creative accounting. Miami plays, gets a W, moves on.

The Hawks lost two games in a row to Minnesota and Vancouver before the NHL season was two weeks old. But they got a point because the losses were in shootouts. What?

The 30 game streak is a “point” streak, not a win streak. Yet, as I stated earlier, ELEVEN wins in a row. And you better be careful about picking on the charity point. Those are probably your best bet to get in the playoffs there, bub.

The three-point game in the NHL is a joke. I wouldn’t mind if all games were worth three points. Three for a win in regulation. Two for a win in overtime. One for a loss in overtime.

But the way the NHL updates the standings is resume padding, plain and simple. The Blackhawks are the beneficiary.

While I agree with first sentence, the Blackhawks are hardly the beneficiary of the charity point. They’ve gotten three, count ’em, three charity points out of their…checks “padded” standings…45 points. Okay, we’ll take those three points away, and let you guys keep yours. We’re still…checks “non-padded” standings…22 points ahead of you. Also, we have more wins (21) than you have points (20).

But, please, let the Avs end this malarkey.

With Gabe Landeskog healthy, Ryan O’Reilly back in the foldand steady goaltending, the Avs have shown signs of life. Colorado outplayed Chicago in the Hawks’ barn for much of Wednesday evening,only to lose 3-2.

Yeah, and then this happened lol:

Pictured: Carcillo instilling some major butthurt in Colorado.

Somebody has to put this bogus streak to an end.

It might as well be the Avalanche.

It might has well be a drunken monkey too. But it probably won’t be.

Patrick Kane’s Switzerland Diary Uncovered

Although Andrew & I have just started here at DIC, we still have all our old connections from our time at BHDL. Thankfully, those sources have come up GOLDEN today. Somehow, someway, we have obtained Patrick Kane’s Girltech Password Journal Diary from his time in Switzerland. Surprisingly, he left it in O’Hare when he landed, so the hardest part was actually figuring out his password (“hairless bear”), which is seemingly a reference to him seeing Brandon Bollig without a beard. So, without further delay, I give you the best excerpts from Patrick Kane’s Switzerland Diary.

November 9th, 2012

Dear Diary,

I’m currently sitting in the international terminal in O’Hare with Mom. Not really sure how to feel about her coming with. I’m excited, because I didn’t want to have to try to do laundry myself. I hear it’s pretty tough. Plus, I can ask her to make my favorite meal every single night. That means blue box mac ‘n cheese with cut up hot dogs! Every night! Well, I better get going, we’re starting to board. I get to have a window seat!!!!

Kisses,

Patty

November 10th, 2012

Dear Diary,

The plane ride to Switzerland was fuuuuuuuuuun! We flew over the ocean, I had no idea it was so big! I just stared out the window watching the blue ocean fly by! I wish I could’ve had a window seat when I went with the Blackhawks to Finland in 2009, but that stupid Turd Ferguson Toews told me I couldn’t have the window seat. 😥 I said “but I’m the littlest and I score the most!” Turd Ferguson said “I’m the Captain. Sit down.” Jerk. :'((((( But the good news is that I’m here! I can’t wait to try some Swiss chocolate!

TTYL BFF,

Patty

November 22nd, 2012

Dear Diary,

I’m surprised, but Thanksgiving in Switzerland STINKS! Me and Mom went to a local restaurant and when we asked for turkey and gravy and stuffing and cranberry sauce and all the other stuff, these guys all looked at us like we were crazy! Mom was all like “Patty, they don’t celebrate Thanksgiving here.” I yelled at her. “How stupid are you, Mom!? Only COMMUNISTS don’t celebrate THANKSGIVING. GAWD!” She’s so old and dumb. So we went to McDonald’s instead. I ate TWENTY CHICKEN MCNUGGETS! WITH SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE! BESSSSSSSST!

So full!

Patty

December 1st, 2013

Dear Diary,

My mom setup a play date with TyTy! [Editor’s Note: TyTy is Tyler Seguin.] It was super fun. We stayed up late, had a pillow fight, talked about gurrrrrrrlz. We even told each other’s fortunes! TyTy is going to live in a big mansion, marry Brad Pitt, and have 20 babies! OMG LOL! I wasn’t so lucky. I’m going to live in a box under a viaduct, marry Tommy Lee Jones (ewwwwww! he’s soooooo ollllld!), and raise ferrets. :'(((((( I think TyTy rigged it.

Buh-byeeeeee,

Patty

December 8th, 2013

Dear Diary,

I’m soooooooo jealous!!! I wish I got to wear the Top Scorer jersey and helmet. Look at those sweet FLAMES[Editor’s Note: There is actually a large word art drawing of the word “FLAMES” here. We’ve emblazoned it in red to give a little nod to the original piece.] It’s like my race car bed back home. It is super cool and I totally miss it. It’s reeeeeed, and has the number 1 on it (cuz I’m da best! duh!), and LOTS of flaaaaaaames! Haha!

I miss your face!

Patty

January 4th, 2013

Dear Diary,

LOL @ these Swiss dudes. They stink! They are, dare I say, the suckiest bunch of sucks whoever sucked. I’m pretty much scoring at will. It’s almost too easy. And that stupid jerkface Toews was all like “D00d, you gotta be careful. You don’t wanna get injured! Just stay home. Work out with me and we’ll skate. It’ll be great!” Pfft. What does he know.

L8r gator!

Patty

January 5th, 2013

Dear Diary,

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW MOTHERFUCKER MY LIP HURTS.

MY MOTHERFUCKIN' MONEY MAKER -Kane

MY MOTHERFUCKIN’ MONEY MAKER -Kane

Deuces,

Patty

January 16th, 2013

Dear Diary,

I’m finally back in the States now. It’s good to be back home in Buffalo Madison Chicago! Captain Asshole laughed at my scar from my visor injury. And Sharp was all like “LULZ YOU GOTZ HERPEEEEEEES!” What a bunch of assholes. Maybe I should go back to Switzerland. Or better yet. Start drinking again. After all, Mom isn’t around anymore.

Fuck bitches, make money,

PK88

Enjoy Meeting a Couple of DIC’s

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Yes, you meathead, DIC = Dry Island Castaways, the name of this here blog. The DIC’s behind this new endeavor are none other than Andrew & Kelly, former editors for Blackhawks Down Low (hilariously, that link still works).

You might be asking yourself why we’d leave Blackhawks Down Low stagnant to start this new site. Because making fun of the Blackhawks is great and all, but we wanted to expand our horizons and make fun of EVERYONE. Also, because we wanted to post what we wanted, when we wanted, with whatever fucking language we wanted. We got sick of having to schedule posts. Bullshit previews that equate to “joke about opponent in headline – funny picture or photoshop of opponent – different joke about opponent – list top scorers and last result for opponent – list current erection causing Hawks and vomit inducing Hawks – LET’S GO HAWKS.” Wrap ups that take away our personal enjoyment from watching the games. Yeah, I said it. Fuck you, it’s all about us.

But most importantly, we wanted to be independent, do our own thing, on our own time, and it’s all about us. You’ll still get the same hilarious and trolly garbage, so don’t worry, there’s something in it for you too, dear Reader.

That said, we’ll be putting up all kind of nonsense, but it’ll be on our terms, so there may be times we don’t update for a week, and there will be times where we have multiple posts for days in a row. So deal with it. We love you all.

Sincerely,

A Couple of DIC’s

@KellyIsADIC & @AndrewIsADIC