So, Pierre Dislikes Climbing Over the Boards

pierre

“Hnnnngggh” -Pierre McGuire

I figure I should probably say something about this picture I posted floating around the internet’s most hallowed corners.

I was in attendance at the United Center in Chicago for Game 5 and during the 1st period, I saw Pierre McGuire “climbing” (I use the term loosely) over the boards to get off the ice, presumably for a potty break. I instantly died laughing. I tried to grab my camera to capture this amazing moment, but wasn’t fast enough.

Flash forward to the 3rd period.

I had been keeping an eye on Pierre ever since that moment because I wanted to make sure I captured it the next time it happened. I see him shuffling along the ice heading back towards his little glass box and got prepared. I snapped about a dozen pictures in under 2 seconds of him getting over the boards. I was laughing so hard while taking them that the last 3 or 4 were unsalvageable because I was shaking so hard with laughter.

So, enjoy this. I know I have.

~K

UPDATE: Saw a photoshop of this picture of Pierre “escaping jail” by @michaelFHurley (I’ll post it later), so please, if you want to photoshop Pierre, DO IT. Email your ‘shops to me at kelly.t.reardon at gmail dot com.

UPDATE 2: Deadspin picked this up. They contacted me to grab all the pictures and make the wonderful GIF below. Thanks guys!

“Hrrrrrnnnnggghh over and over” -Pierre McGuire

Astrological Predictions for the NHL and its Stars

So, awhile back, our fearless leader Andrew received an email from “seerinteractive.com” (to his Blackhawks Down Low address, no less) with the following:

Hey Andrew, Happy Friday! This is probably the most unorthodox email you’ll get all day, but I hope you’re open to it. I’m working on a project that’s kind of random but I thought your readers might be interested in it. I do marketing for a company that works with professional astrologists and we thought it would be fun to do some professional zodiac readings for sports teams and players. Would you be interested in seeing how your coaches and players match up with each other? While you know your Blackhawks players in-depth, astrologists can supposedly predict future events, so it’d be cool to see who got it right. Plus, they could even analyze and predict the upcoming playoff picture! Let me know what you think. Either way keep up the great work with your site!

Oh, we’ll keep up the great work, don’t you worry. And we basically replied with a “FUCK YES WE ARE INTERESTED.” So, after waiting over a month for the results and damn near forgetting about it, here’s your astrological predictions and prognostications for the remainder of the NHL season (gramatical weirdness left in tact). And of course, I’ve interjected my own insightful commentary.

I love the internet.

With the NHL playoffs looming, teams from both the Eastern and Western conferences are jockeying to keep their top seed position, or to manage to eke their way into the hunt and clinch a playoffs spot.

While ace teamwork and a competitive spirit goes a long way towards claiming the Stanley Cup, certain intangible factors may surface as a “wild card” during the post-season, propelling some dark horses to the front of the race. One such intangible is astrology. Not only do the 12 archetypes of the zodiac play a role in determining how well teammates function together, but key astrological events can also factor in.

If astrological signs are “wild cards,” does that mean they’re basically the enigmatic Russians of the pseudo-science realm? Maybe?

Division Leaders

As it stands now, the Chicago Blackhawks are leading the Western Conference while the Pittsburgh Penguins are at the top of the Eastern heap. Back in the 2009 – 2010 finals, Patrick Kane, Chicago’s Right Wing scored the game winning goal of the finals and won his very first Stanley Cup. Kane appears to be destined for more greatness as this season’s race to the cup revs up. As a Scorpio, Kane may be affected by Saturn’s retrograde in his sign. Beginning in February and sinking its hooks in until July 8th, Saturn’s retrograde will spur Scorpio — and Kane — to consider his decisions carefully. This marks a period of vigilance that will push him to re-evaluate mistakes and ensure they don’t happen again.

So Kane will be in this monster mode until July 8th? Let’s start polishing up the Conn Smyth for him then.

As for the Pittsburgh Penguins, the team’s two Centermen, Evgeni Malkin and Sid “The Kid” Crosby are ruled by the sun sign of Leo, one of the zodiac’s most hard-charging, spotlight n’ success-driven signs. While Leo will not experiencing any major astrological events until June 27 when Venus enters the sign, it’s doubtful any shifts in the cosmos will shake Leo’s  has an indomitable drive to win.

1. People still call Crosby “Sid The Kid”? They don’t? Okay, good. 2. Pretty sure a puck to the mouth, lots of lost teeth, and a broken jaw might shake Crosby’s drive. 3. I’m assuming June 27th is when the Hawks will beat the Pens sending them to the golf course.

The Sun Sets In the West on the Kings

Elsewhere in the Western Conference, the L.A. Kings may likely see a downward slide in their playoffs trajectory. Center Jeff Carter is a Capricorn, a sign that is set for a big shift when Pluto goes into retrograde on April 12. Capricorn is a sign that thrives on stability. Pluto in retrograde will put Capricorn into a tailspin. Further complicating matters, Carter’s Center, Mike Richards has seen several shifts in a short span of time as Mercury, the sun, and Venus have all entered his sign of Aquarius in rapid succession. With so much cosmic fluctuation affecting these two, key players, the Kings may experience a dark reversal of fortune.

Well, so far the Kings have been great. They’re 5th in the West, 6-3-1 in the last ten games, own the third best goal differential in the West (behind Anaheim & Chicago) and have looked much better lately. Keep an eye on April 12th, since that’s apparently when Carter & Richards leave Dry Island this year.

Seeds of Discontent in the East

It’s not entirely over for Alex Ovechkin — a Virgo —  and his 11th seed Washington Capitals. Ovechkin hit a rough patch this season but appears to be back in fine form. However, this surge back may not be enough to catapult them to the top of the Eastern Conference. While Virgo has not experienced any major shifts throughout the duration of the 2012-2013 NHL season, external factors and astrological events impacting the league as a whole have just left Ovechkin and the Caps trailing in their quest for Stanley gold.

Stanley….gold? Mkay then.

Even further in the basement are the Philadelphia Flyers who have exhibited uneven performance on the ice this season. Most notably, goalie Ilya Bryzgalov has experienced highs and lows ranging from winning his 200th career game and incurring the wrath of George Lucas and Star Wars fans. Bryzgalov is set for even more ebbs and peaks when Mercury enters his sun sign of Cancer on May 31 before promptly going into retrograde in Cancer on June 25th. Bryzgalov has also acknowledged his team’s flaws and expressed displeasure with their performance, calling it “not good.” Perhaps realizes that the Solar System is “humongous big” and that the wheel of fate that hangs in the cosmos just means that, astrologically speaking, it’s just not his season — or the Flyers’, for that matter.

I don’t really think Bryz has had an “ebb and flow” type season. More of a “hey, my defense is absolutely terrible and my god do I miss Chris Pronger” type of season.

Teams To Watch… In the West

In terms of sheer ferocity and racking up some key wins — not to mention on the astrological front — the Vancouver Canucks are a team to watch. Twins Daniel and Henrik Sedin balance out both sides of the Libra scale, working well together as Left Wing and Centerman, respectively. The Swedish duo play an integral role in the team in terms of making plays and scoring goals. Noting that fleet-footed Mercury enters Aries on April 14th, the Sedins’ Aries teammates Alexandre Burrows (Left Wing) and goalie Roberto Luongo are set to experience an even greater drive to win than usual. As opposite signs on the wheel of the zodiac, Aries and Libra balance each other out quite effectively. As a result of Mercury in Leo and the Aries/Libra tandem at play, watch for the Canucks to come up big in the playoffs.

I like that they say the Sedins play making and scoring goals only after stating they “balance out both sides of the Libra scale.” I’m concerned that Burrows’ “greater drive to win” involves driving heads into boards. I also believe that “watch for the Canucks to come up big in the playoffs” translates roughly to “won’t need to capitalize on Chris Campoli to win a Game 7 over a beat-up and exhausted team that came back from being down three games to zero” but I could be totally wrong.

The Anaheim Ducks may be on-track for a spirited run in the playoffs due to rookie goalie Viktor Fasth being particularly on top of his game. As a Leo, Fasth is not set to undergo any cosmic shifts and will be all business throughout the playoffs. Whether the Ducks, as a team, can catch up in the division remains to be seen.

Not sure who the Ducks need to catch up to in the division as they’re 10 points ahead of Los Angeles, but whatever, the STARS SAY SO.

Teams To Watch… In the East

The Winnipeg Jets are poised for a potential comeback owing to a stellar balancing act by Leo Left Wing Evander Kane and Virgo Goalie Ondrej Pavelec. Neither sign is set to experience any major upheaval by way of an astrological event. As a cerebral Virgo, Ondrej Pavelec helps to round out the driven, sometimes flashy Kane and help him to refocus on the game and bringing the cup to Winnipeg. Considering the media circus and scrutiny Kane has been a part of this season, Pavelec’s stabilizing influence is key in keeping the Jets on-course.

First of all, the Jets lead the Southeast with 38 points. Not counting division leaders, that’s good for *looks at standings* 9th in the East. Let that simmer for awhile. Also, the fact that now I picture Evander Kane and Ondrej Pavelec as the Odd Couple balancing each other out is fantastic. Is it racist if I refer to them as Yin & Yang? No? Good.

If the Rangers can continue their trajectory, they just may give the Penguins a run for their money in the top slot. Rick Nash, the Rangers’ Right Wing is slated to receive a major boost in the thick of the playoffs when Mercury enters Gemini on May 15th and the Sun enters Gemini on May 20th. This will give Nash the surge he needs to rally his team to jockey for the coveted Eastern division title and a shot at the cup. His warrior spirit will be fully roused come May 31st when Mars, the warrior’s planet, enters Gemini on May 31. If Nash can muster the fortitude to keep pace with his shifting planetary influences, look for the Rangers to knock the Penguins out of the top slot.

Yes, the Rangers will certainly give the Penguins a “run for their money in the top slot” currently being in 9th place in the East. (Damn you Jets!) That said, I’m sure some of the ladies out there are excited for May 31st when Nash’s “warrior spirit will be fully aroused.”

This article was written by Hollywood Psychics. If you want predictions in your own life, get an authentic psychic reading from a psychic today!

You should totally do this. Wasn’t it fun? Give us your own translations of what the fuck this all meant in the comments. And may the stars guide you!

Face It: The NHL Gives Zero Fucks About Concussions

Pictured: The Typical NHL Player’s Brain

I’m done waiting for the NHL to care about concussions. It won’t happen. Ever. Unless possibly, someone dying on the ice in front of thousands of fans (or hundreds of thousands  of fans if nationally televised) live. Until then, don’t expect them to give any of the fucks.

Known scumbag nearly cripples a star player? It’s cool, only five games. (If you think I’m exaggerating about “nearly cripples,” take a gander at this video, he’s a paraplegic now and those “hits” look awwwwwwfully similar.)

Elbow an oncoming player in the face for no reason? No suspension or fines. No hearing even. Just a “lol totes cool” and off we go.

And even when they get it right, as in disciplining Raffi Torres for 25 games for turning himself into a human missile at Marian Hossa, the NHL REDUCES HIS SUSPENSION! Granted, it was from 25 to 21 games, so still very hefty, yet the point stands. Why should a repeat offender who consistently endagers the players around him be given any leeway at all?

And even beyond the ridiculously arbitrary suspensions (or more, lack thereof), the way the Quiet Room is handled is even more infuriating. The NHL instituted a policy that if an injury to the head occurs (or is expected to have occurred), that the player need to go to a room (The Quiet Room) for concussion testing/diagnosis for a minimum of 15 minutes.

Does this happen?

Fuck no, it doesn’t. At least not when it should. Heaven forbid one of your players be away from the game for 15 minutes. It’s not like you’re trying to protect them. Oh wait. You are.

Ya know what though? Even that’s to be expected. But here’s the kicker. What does the League do when there’s an obvious violation of the intended use of the Quiet Room?

…I’m waiting…

That’s right. Nothing. No fines. No sanctions of draft picks. No investigations. Nothing.

This isn’t a player going out to play on a bum ankle and maybe his ankles creak and hurt the rest of his life. This is a player going on the ice with BRAIN TRAUMA. And even better, you don’t even need a concussion to suffer from this type of damage.

Seriously, how much more research needs to be done before this is taken seriously? Actually, let me correct that. Seriously, how many more devastating injuries to athletes need to happen before this is taken seriously? Because sadly, the second question is the one that’ll get answered. It won’t be research that lights up the bulb over the NHL’s collective numbskull. It’ll be Crosby’s career ending. (Jeez, you think that guy of all people going down for over a year would’ve been enough.) It’ll be Toews being on the shelf for over a year. It’ll be a future Hall of Famer having their career cut short before fulfilling all their possible accomplishments. Oh wait, that already happened. (Yes, I realize Savard hasn’t officially retired yet, but that’s because he wants to get paid. Who can blame him? It’s not like he can make a living playing hockey anymore.)

We can even expand this out to fighting. Greg Wyshynski at Yahoo! Sports (are you really supposed to put that stupid ! in there when you write Yahoo?) nailed it perfectly today. The NHL is trying to find a way to keep fighting in the game, but to take out “silly” fights like staged fights. That’s stupid. Either you’re ok with people beating their brains in (quite literally) or you aren’t. Make the choice.

And don’t take this as me having all the answers, because I totally don’t. But SOMETHING needs to happen. Some effort needs to be made to hold teams accountable, to protect players, and to get rid of the scumbags in the game that just don’t learn (props to Matt Cooke for learning quick, got to respect that).

The culture around concussions needs to change too. For everyone that is pushing to get more research and more procedures around how to handle concussions, you get a million meathead fans calling players with concussions “pussies” or to just “shake it off.” Clearly, they’ve never had a concussion or had to take care of/worry about someone they love who is suffering from a concussion.

We also have all the teams (I’m looking at you, Chicago Blackhawks) who refuse to acknowledge when a player has a concussion. What possible advantage does saying someone has an upper-body injury give you over saying they have a concussion? And if your reason is because you’re worried about opponents taking advantage of that, then the respect levels in this sport are deeper in the shitter than I thought possible.

The NHL is fortunate that most players have been able to come back from concussions (Crosby, Toews, Landeskog, Horton, I won’t go on, it’ll take forever), but one day, a superstar won’t. Or maybe a kid with an incredibly bright future won’t. Or maybe it’ll just continue to be so-so defensemen (has anyone seen Kim Johnsson?) or 4th liners disappearing quietly into the night (and their blacked out bedrooms because they can’t handle sunlight anymore) and no one will really notice or care except those poor souls and their families.

I don’t know, maybe I’ve just got my shit all bent out of shape for nothing, but I truly think that concussions and treatment of concussions won’t be taken seriously until someone dies or a superstar’s career ends. I mean besides Marc Savard, and Eric Lindros, and Paul Kariya and…

NHL Superstar’s Valentine’s Day Plans Revealed

Ahhhh, Valentine’s Day. The day when single people pretend they’re not suffering from crippling loneliness, when obnoxious in-love couples PDA up in your grill, when regular couples fight about having shitty plans (if they have any at all), when married couples continue to be miserable, and last but not least, when blogs use this made up Hallmark holiday to churn out themed posts.

And with that glorious intro, once again, the Dry Island Castaways sources have come through in spades. Our sources have infiltrated several NHL franchises in order to find out what your favorite NHL stars are doing for their loved ones / defensive partners this year during Valentine’s Day.

Tyler Seguin: Tyler plans on wooing his current fling by doing her laundry for her.

Ondrej Pavelec: Will continue his newfound yearly tradition of picking up single chicks using the pickup line “Hey baby, what if I told you I inexplicably make $3.9 million every year?”

Tim Thomas: The Islander’s goalie (I still LOL every time I say that) romantically lures his sweetheart into his panic room and then watches Moonshiners while snuggling.

Greg Zanon: Greg and the family of squirrels that live in his beard are planning on a relaxing night of whittling baskets at home.

Kris Versteeg: Steeger’s…interesting new look and his galpal will hire a film crew to re-enact scenes from their favorite 70’s cop dramas.

Columbus Blue Jackets: Oh wait, the title of this post mentions “NHL Superstars.” Nevermind.

Patrick Kane: Stopping at Walgreen’s to get cards for each of his…errrrm…”friends.”

Jarome Iginla: Iggy continues to beg his lady to go on a “trip” to another NHL city, just like the last three years.

Roberto Luongo: Lu and his bestie will continue to do what they do every day: Make up the goaltending tandem for the Vancouver Canucks.

The Sedin Brothers: Buy a six foot tall picture frame, then stand on opposite sides of the frame in the middle of Vancouver pretending it was a mirror.

Dave Bolland: Wakes up Valentine’s Day morning, and tells the love of his life “I’ve never had any woman make me so incredibly happy and fulfilled” while making this face. What? That’s his happy and in love face.

Erik Karlsson: Is going to show his girl how special she is by getting the closest handicapped parking spot at the fancy restaurant tonight.

Kelly’s Hockey Hate List

Whatever, so I copied Andrew’s idea. Suck my balls. Here’s my list of most hated NHL teams in order from loathe to love, along with reasons why. I hate your face too.

  1. Detroit Red Wings – Hard not to hate a team that’s been so good for so long
  2. Vancouver Canucks – Only reason they didn’t get #1 is because it’s so fun to watch them fail, but here’s why. (Fun fact, that post appears as the #2 link on Google when you search for “petulant brat”)
  3. Phoenix Coyotes – So whiney and ACTING!
  4. Nashville Predators – Always obnoxious to play
  5. St. Louis Blues – Meatheads with BBQ stains on their shirts
  6. San Jose Sha-arks – The Cubs of the NHL “THIS IS OUR YEAR!”
  7. Buffalo Sabres – Patrik Kaleta
  8. Winnipeg Jets – Patronizing to the military
  9. Montreal Canadiens – NOBODY CARES THAT YOU SPEAK FRENCH, JUST HIRE A GOOD COACH
  10. Anaheim Ducks – Getzlaf is fugly
  11. Columbus Blue Jackets – Awful team, awful city, awful state
  12. Florida Panthers – Versteeg’s mustache
  13. Carolina Hurricanes – Two Staal’s, One Semin is a porn title, not a roadmap to a Cup
  14. NY Rangers – Lundqvist is so damn handsome
  15. Washington Capitals – ALEX OVECHKIN IS SO ENTERTAIzzzzzzzzzzzz
  16. Los Angeles Kings – Although two of their players are the namesake of this blog, I hate them for not wearing the purple and gold all the time
  17. Pittsburgh Penguins – PHILLY IS SOOOOO MEAN YOU GUYS GAWD
  18. Toronto Maple Leafs – If I wanted to constantly read/hear about failing to meet expectations, I’d be a marriage counselor
  19. NY Islanders – Because Brooklyn is SO much better than Long Island
  20. Dallas Stars – I kind of hate them because my Social Security taxes pay for some of their roster I guess
  21. Minnesota Wild – Hard to hate a team that I could barely remember to include on this list
  22. Colorado Avalanche – Ummmm, whatever
  23. Ottawa Senators – I think their own fans hate them more than I could
  24. Calgary Flames – Fun to laugh at, like hating a clown, can’t really happen
  25. Philadelphia Flyers – They troll so hard. I like it.
  26. Boston Bruins – See above
  27. Tampa Bay Lightning – Stamkos one-time bombs
  28. Edmonton Oilers – Make me not feel so bad about my rec league team’s defense
  29. New Jersey Devils – Marty Brodeur. Fatty. Greatest goalie ever.
  30. Chicago Blackhawks – Won’t even bother here

Why Extrapolating Early Season Results Proves You’re a Moron

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Pictured: People who extrapolate early season results.

“The [Blackhawks, Sharks] are going to go 48-0-0 this year!” -Idiots

So, we’re 11 days into the 2013 NHL season, and already the meatheads and idiots are coming out of the woodwork. It’s a complete fucking pet peeve of mine (if you can’t tell already) when people non-jokingly extrapolate early season results. Team X will go undefeated! Player Y will score a bajillion goals! Goalie Z will only give up 24 goals this season! If you’ve ever uttered something along those lines because of the first half-dozen games of a season, you should be repeatedly assaulted by a rabid and horny wildebeest for the rest of your life.

There’s these things called “streaks.” Maybe you’ve heard of them? The Jets have lost 11 straight. The Blues have committed a felony in 7 straight games. Alex Ovechkin has offended Don Cherry in 451 straight games. That’s how these things work. Players and teams get off to hot or slow starts. Teams are adjusting to new coaches, systems, and teammates. Players are adjusting to new linemates or cities. I understand that in a condensed schedule like this, a half-dozen games are still critical, and a slow start for your favorite team or player is scary, but c’mon now. It’ll all come back to the mean. IT ALWAYS DOES (See Also: 2011-2012 Minnesota Wild).

So stop extrapolating. You’re not a statistician for doing that. You’re not enlightening anyone. You’re not “adding to the conversation.” Just stop it.