Astrological Predictions for the NHL and its Stars

So, awhile back, our fearless leader Andrew received an email from “” (to his Blackhawks Down Low address, no less) with the following:

Hey Andrew, Happy Friday! This is probably the most unorthodox email you’ll get all day, but I hope you’re open to it. I’m working on a project that’s kind of random but I thought your readers might be interested in it. I do marketing for a company that works with professional astrologists and we thought it would be fun to do some professional zodiac readings for sports teams and players. Would you be interested in seeing how your coaches and players match up with each other? While you know your Blackhawks players in-depth, astrologists can supposedly predict future events, so it’d be cool to see who got it right. Plus, they could even analyze and predict the upcoming playoff picture! Let me know what you think. Either way keep up the great work with your site!

Oh, we’ll keep up the great work, don’t you worry. And we basically replied with a “FUCK YES WE ARE INTERESTED.” So, after waiting over a month for the results and damn near forgetting about it, here’s your astrological predictions and prognostications for the remainder of the NHL season (gramatical weirdness left in tact). And of course, I’ve interjected my own insightful commentary.

I love the internet.

With the NHL playoffs looming, teams from both the Eastern and Western conferences are jockeying to keep their top seed position, or to manage to eke their way into the hunt and clinch a playoffs spot.

While ace teamwork and a competitive spirit goes a long way towards claiming the Stanley Cup, certain intangible factors may surface as a “wild card” during the post-season, propelling some dark horses to the front of the race. One such intangible is astrology. Not only do the 12 archetypes of the zodiac play a role in determining how well teammates function together, but key astrological events can also factor in.

If astrological signs are “wild cards,” does that mean they’re basically the enigmatic Russians of the pseudo-science realm? Maybe?

Division Leaders

As it stands now, the Chicago Blackhawks are leading the Western Conference while the Pittsburgh Penguins are at the top of the Eastern heap. Back in the 2009 – 2010 finals, Patrick Kane, Chicago’s Right Wing scored the game winning goal of the finals and won his very first Stanley Cup. Kane appears to be destined for more greatness as this season’s race to the cup revs up. As a Scorpio, Kane may be affected by Saturn’s retrograde in his sign. Beginning in February and sinking its hooks in until July 8th, Saturn’s retrograde will spur Scorpio — and Kane — to consider his decisions carefully. This marks a period of vigilance that will push him to re-evaluate mistakes and ensure they don’t happen again.

So Kane will be in this monster mode until July 8th? Let’s start polishing up the Conn Smyth for him then.

As for the Pittsburgh Penguins, the team’s two Centermen, Evgeni Malkin and Sid “The Kid” Crosby are ruled by the sun sign of Leo, one of the zodiac’s most hard-charging, spotlight n’ success-driven signs. While Leo will not experiencing any major astrological events until June 27 when Venus enters the sign, it’s doubtful any shifts in the cosmos will shake Leo’s  has an indomitable drive to win.

1. People still call Crosby “Sid The Kid”? They don’t? Okay, good. 2. Pretty sure a puck to the mouth, lots of lost teeth, and a broken jaw might shake Crosby’s drive. 3. I’m assuming June 27th is when the Hawks will beat the Pens sending them to the golf course.

The Sun Sets In the West on the Kings

Elsewhere in the Western Conference, the L.A. Kings may likely see a downward slide in their playoffs trajectory. Center Jeff Carter is a Capricorn, a sign that is set for a big shift when Pluto goes into retrograde on April 12. Capricorn is a sign that thrives on stability. Pluto in retrograde will put Capricorn into a tailspin. Further complicating matters, Carter’s Center, Mike Richards has seen several shifts in a short span of time as Mercury, the sun, and Venus have all entered his sign of Aquarius in rapid succession. With so much cosmic fluctuation affecting these two, key players, the Kings may experience a dark reversal of fortune.

Well, so far the Kings have been great. They’re 5th in the West, 6-3-1 in the last ten games, own the third best goal differential in the West (behind Anaheim & Chicago) and have looked much better lately. Keep an eye on April 12th, since that’s apparently when Carter & Richards leave Dry Island this year.

Seeds of Discontent in the East

It’s not entirely over for Alex Ovechkin — a Virgo —  and his 11th seed Washington Capitals. Ovechkin hit a rough patch this season but appears to be back in fine form. However, this surge back may not be enough to catapult them to the top of the Eastern Conference. While Virgo has not experienced any major shifts throughout the duration of the 2012-2013 NHL season, external factors and astrological events impacting the league as a whole have just left Ovechkin and the Caps trailing in their quest for Stanley gold.

Stanley….gold? Mkay then.

Even further in the basement are the Philadelphia Flyers who have exhibited uneven performance on the ice this season. Most notably, goalie Ilya Bryzgalov has experienced highs and lows ranging from winning his 200th career game and incurring the wrath of George Lucas and Star Wars fans. Bryzgalov is set for even more ebbs and peaks when Mercury enters his sun sign of Cancer on May 31 before promptly going into retrograde in Cancer on June 25th. Bryzgalov has also acknowledged his team’s flaws and expressed displeasure with their performance, calling it “not good.” Perhaps realizes that the Solar System is “humongous big” and that the wheel of fate that hangs in the cosmos just means that, astrologically speaking, it’s just not his season — or the Flyers’, for that matter.

I don’t really think Bryz has had an “ebb and flow” type season. More of a “hey, my defense is absolutely terrible and my god do I miss Chris Pronger” type of season.

Teams To Watch… In the West

In terms of sheer ferocity and racking up some key wins — not to mention on the astrological front — the Vancouver Canucks are a team to watch. Twins Daniel and Henrik Sedin balance out both sides of the Libra scale, working well together as Left Wing and Centerman, respectively. The Swedish duo play an integral role in the team in terms of making plays and scoring goals. Noting that fleet-footed Mercury enters Aries on April 14th, the Sedins’ Aries teammates Alexandre Burrows (Left Wing) and goalie Roberto Luongo are set to experience an even greater drive to win than usual. As opposite signs on the wheel of the zodiac, Aries and Libra balance each other out quite effectively. As a result of Mercury in Leo and the Aries/Libra tandem at play, watch for the Canucks to come up big in the playoffs.

I like that they say the Sedins play making and scoring goals only after stating they “balance out both sides of the Libra scale.” I’m concerned that Burrows’ “greater drive to win” involves driving heads into boards. I also believe that “watch for the Canucks to come up big in the playoffs” translates roughly to “won’t need to capitalize on Chris Campoli to win a Game 7 over a beat-up and exhausted team that came back from being down three games to zero” but I could be totally wrong.

The Anaheim Ducks may be on-track for a spirited run in the playoffs due to rookie goalie Viktor Fasth being particularly on top of his game. As a Leo, Fasth is not set to undergo any cosmic shifts and will be all business throughout the playoffs. Whether the Ducks, as a team, can catch up in the division remains to be seen.

Not sure who the Ducks need to catch up to in the division as they’re 10 points ahead of Los Angeles, but whatever, the STARS SAY SO.

Teams To Watch… In the East

The Winnipeg Jets are poised for a potential comeback owing to a stellar balancing act by Leo Left Wing Evander Kane and Virgo Goalie Ondrej Pavelec. Neither sign is set to experience any major upheaval by way of an astrological event. As a cerebral Virgo, Ondrej Pavelec helps to round out the driven, sometimes flashy Kane and help him to refocus on the game and bringing the cup to Winnipeg. Considering the media circus and scrutiny Kane has been a part of this season, Pavelec’s stabilizing influence is key in keeping the Jets on-course.

First of all, the Jets lead the Southeast with 38 points. Not counting division leaders, that’s good for *looks at standings* 9th in the East. Let that simmer for awhile. Also, the fact that now I picture Evander Kane and Ondrej Pavelec as the Odd Couple balancing each other out is fantastic. Is it racist if I refer to them as Yin & Yang? No? Good.

If the Rangers can continue their trajectory, they just may give the Penguins a run for their money in the top slot. Rick Nash, the Rangers’ Right Wing is slated to receive a major boost in the thick of the playoffs when Mercury enters Gemini on May 15th and the Sun enters Gemini on May 20th. This will give Nash the surge he needs to rally his team to jockey for the coveted Eastern division title and a shot at the cup. His warrior spirit will be fully roused come May 31st when Mars, the warrior’s planet, enters Gemini on May 31. If Nash can muster the fortitude to keep pace with his shifting planetary influences, look for the Rangers to knock the Penguins out of the top slot.

Yes, the Rangers will certainly give the Penguins a “run for their money in the top slot” currently being in 9th place in the East. (Damn you Jets!) That said, I’m sure some of the ladies out there are excited for May 31st when Nash’s “warrior spirit will be fully aroused.”

This article was written by Hollywood Psychics. If you want predictions in your own life, get an authentic psychic reading from a psychic today!

You should totally do this. Wasn’t it fun? Give us your own translations of what the fuck this all meant in the comments. And may the stars guide you!


NHL Superstar’s Valentine’s Day Plans Revealed

Ahhhh, Valentine’s Day. The day when single people pretend they’re not suffering from crippling loneliness, when obnoxious in-love couples PDA up in your grill, when regular couples fight about having shitty plans (if they have any at all), when married couples continue to be miserable, and last but not least, when blogs use this made up Hallmark holiday to churn out themed posts.

And with that glorious intro, once again, the Dry Island Castaways sources have come through in spades. Our sources have infiltrated several NHL franchises in order to find out what your favorite NHL stars are doing for their loved ones / defensive partners this year during Valentine’s Day.

Tyler Seguin: Tyler plans on wooing his current fling by doing her laundry for her.

Ondrej Pavelec: Will continue his newfound yearly tradition of picking up single chicks using the pickup line “Hey baby, what if I told you I inexplicably make $3.9 million every year?”

Tim Thomas: The Islander’s goalie (I still LOL every time I say that) romantically lures his sweetheart into his panic room and then watches Moonshiners while snuggling.

Greg Zanon: Greg and the family of squirrels that live in his beard are planning on a relaxing night of whittling baskets at home.

Kris Versteeg: Steeger’s…interesting new look and his galpal will hire a film crew to re-enact scenes from their favorite 70’s cop dramas.

Columbus Blue Jackets: Oh wait, the title of this post mentions “NHL Superstars.” Nevermind.

Patrick Kane: Stopping at Walgreen’s to get cards for each of his…errrrm…”friends.”

Jarome Iginla: Iggy continues to beg his lady to go on a “trip” to another NHL city, just like the last three years.

Roberto Luongo: Lu and his bestie will continue to do what they do every day: Make up the goaltending tandem for the Vancouver Canucks.

The Sedin Brothers: Buy a six foot tall picture frame, then stand on opposite sides of the frame in the middle of Vancouver pretending it was a mirror.

Dave Bolland: Wakes up Valentine’s Day morning, and tells the love of his life “I’ve never had any woman make me so incredibly happy and fulfilled” while making this face. What? That’s his happy and in love face.

Erik Karlsson: Is going to show his girl how special she is by getting the closest handicapped parking spot at the fancy restaurant tonight.