Fuck You, Sports Illustrated

Gorilla Salad saved hockey.

Who likes good news, everyone? Then good news, everyone! Hockey matters again!

You might have a few questions, such as:

• When did hockey stop mattering?
• What about all that hockey that I watched before? Did that not matter?
• At what point during the Blackhawks streak did it start mattering again?
• They still print magazines? On paper? And then they mail them? Do they use the Pony Express?

The answer is “Fuck you, hockey fan. Now buy Sports Illustrated.”

You see, as a hockey fan, you have been watching, analyzing, attending, and obsessing over games that don’t matter.  Nobody cares about your shitty little niche sport with your cute little fights and funny player names.  Hockey is nothing more than a side show in the great sports circus.

The only thing that could possibly make hockey relevant is when there’s some little streak of wins and ties that is totally not as good as whatever is happening in the NBA but its so cute that you’re trying so hard!

The Streak is the only thing that made hockey worth watching. Now that its over, I guess we have to go back to nobody watching again. It was fun while it lasted.

Fuck you, Sports Illustrated.