Patrick Kane’s Switzerland Diary Uncovered

Although Andrew & I have just started here at DIC, we still have all our old connections from our time at BHDL. Thankfully, those sources have come up GOLDEN today. Somehow, someway, we have obtained Patrick Kane’s Girltech Password Journal Diary from his time in Switzerland. Surprisingly, he left it in O’Hare when he landed, so the hardest part was actually figuring out his password (“hairless bear”), which is seemingly a reference to him seeing Brandon Bollig without a beard. So, without further delay, I give you the best excerpts from Patrick Kane’s Switzerland Diary.

November 9th, 2012

Dear Diary,

I’m currently sitting in the international terminal in O’Hare with Mom. Not really sure how to feel about her coming with. I’m excited, because I didn’t want to have to try to do laundry myself. I hear it’s pretty tough. Plus, I can ask her to make my favorite meal every single night. That means blue box mac ‘n cheese with cut up hot dogs! Every night! Well, I better get going, we’re starting to board. I get to have a window seat!!!!

Kisses,

Patty

November 10th, 2012

Dear Diary,

The plane ride to Switzerland was fuuuuuuuuuun! We flew over the ocean, I had no idea it was so big! I just stared out the window watching the blue ocean fly by! I wish I could’ve had a window seat when I went with the Blackhawks to Finland in 2009, but that stupid Turd Ferguson Toews told me I couldn’t have the window seat. 😥 I said “but I’m the littlest and I score the most!” Turd Ferguson said “I’m the Captain. Sit down.” Jerk. :'((((( But the good news is that I’m here! I can’t wait to try some Swiss chocolate!

TTYL BFF,

Patty

November 22nd, 2012

Dear Diary,

I’m surprised, but Thanksgiving in Switzerland STINKS! Me and Mom went to a local restaurant and when we asked for turkey and gravy and stuffing and cranberry sauce and all the other stuff, these guys all looked at us like we were crazy! Mom was all like “Patty, they don’t celebrate Thanksgiving here.” I yelled at her. “How stupid are you, Mom!? Only COMMUNISTS don’t celebrate THANKSGIVING. GAWD!” She’s so old and dumb. So we went to McDonald’s instead. I ate TWENTY CHICKEN MCNUGGETS! WITH SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE! BESSSSSSSST!

So full!

Patty

December 1st, 2013

Dear Diary,

My mom setup a play date with TyTy! [Editor’s Note: TyTy is Tyler Seguin.] It was super fun. We stayed up late, had a pillow fight, talked about gurrrrrrrlz. We even told each other’s fortunes! TyTy is going to live in a big mansion, marry Brad Pitt, and have 20 babies! OMG LOL! I wasn’t so lucky. I’m going to live in a box under a viaduct, marry Tommy Lee Jones (ewwwwww! he’s soooooo ollllld!), and raise ferrets. :'(((((( I think TyTy rigged it.

Buh-byeeeeee,

Patty

December 8th, 2013

Dear Diary,

I’m soooooooo jealous!!! I wish I got to wear the Top Scorer jersey and helmet. Look at those sweet FLAMES! [Editor’s Note: There is actually a large word art drawing of the word “FLAMES” here. We’ve emblazoned it in red to give a little nod to the original piece.] It’s like my race car bed back home. It is super cool and I totally miss it. It’s reeeeeed, and has the number 1 on it (cuz I’m da best! duh!), and LOTS of flaaaaaaames! Haha!

I miss your face!

Patty

January 4th, 2013

Dear Diary,

LOL @ these Swiss dudes. They stink! They are, dare I say, the suckiest bunch of sucks whoever sucked. I’m pretty much scoring at will. It’s almost too easy. And that stupid jerkface Toews was all like “D00d, you gotta be careful. You don’t wanna get injured! Just stay home. Work out with me and we’ll skate. It’ll be great!” Pfft. What does he know.

L8r gator!

Patty

January 5th, 2013

Dear Diary,

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW MOTHERFUCKER MY LIP HURTS.

MY MOTHERFUCKIN’ MONEY MAKER -Kane

Deuces,

Patty

January 16th, 2013

Dear Diary,

I’m finally back in the States now. It’s good to be back home in Buffalo Madison Chicago! Captain Asshole laughed at my scar from my visor injury. And Sharp was all like “LULZ YOU GOTZ HERPEEEEEEES!” What a bunch of assholes. Maybe I should go back to Switzerland. Or better yet. Start drinking again. After all, Mom isn’t around anymore.

Fuck bitches, make money,

PK88